Category Archives: women

Happy Anniversary

Since one person already assumed, just to clarify, when I said I am not currently interested in pursuing random men I was not implying I am looking for a woman. For those of you who have known me for a while (including the person who asked), you will remember that the last time I was with a woman it didn’t go quite so well. Have you forgotten?

Yes, there was a time I decided I no longer wanted to have anything to do with men, ever again. Coincidentally a good friend of mine was feeling much the same way. We were both heartbroken, upset, angry, [keep inserting similar adjectives], and we were rather young. Actually, I was young, and she was even younger. Our judgement wasn’t at its best. We decided to give up men together and have a relationship.

We spent several months as a couple, except we overlooked the rather important fact that we were both really quite attracted to men, and not so much to each other. We had fun and went out a lot, but it was more akin to girls’ night out than actual dating. And our physical relationship often felt like a strange science experiment. We kept this going for about five months.

We didn’t really break up, but rather just gave up. A few weeks later she found a man to date. I must have appeared saddened by this because she offered to share him with me. For a few months we shared him, taking turns. She had Saturdays, I had Fridays, and so forth. He didn’t seem to mind and let us decide his schedule as we saw fit. We rarely all went out together, but oddly enough on those occasions me and her were more interested in each other than in him. He didn’t seem to mind that either, just left us to our own devices as we chattered and squealed about who knows what for hours.

Then one night she slept with him, and then I didn’t want him anymore. I didn’t want either of them. I was unrightfully angry and felt hurt. Somewhere inside of me I assumed we would all just keep going out like that forever and nothing would happen. I know it sounds ridiculous now, but at the time it somehow made sense to me. I mean, I knew the reality of the relationship I was in, but when faced with it so starkly, it stung more than I could have anticipated. And this, coupled with another emotion – why did he want to sleep with her and not me? What was wrong with *me*?

I felt betrayed, which in turn made her feel guilty. Neither of us knew how to handle these emotions, especially because they were irrational. She didn’t do anything wrong, and  had nothing to feel guilty for, hence her confusion. As for me, well, what did I expect?

We didn’t speak to each other again for a long time. The man in question is long gone, but me and her are still very good friends. It just took years of repair. And if I ever get upset over how complicated a relationship with a man is, I just recall my time with a woman. I think she does the same, and has also kept to the men part of things. In fact I will be her bridesmaid next weekend as she marries a very nice man.

I guess that is what got me thinking of her. On this evening, several years ago, she was my bridesmaid. Happy anniversary to me….

Socially Awkward

I am socially awkward. Aside from my uncanny ability to insert my foot into my mouth from angles you have never even imagined, I am also rather inept at social cues. Like when I am picking up women at bars. Because I apparently do that.
Tanya and I went to the Tegan and Sara concert on Friday. Aside from multiple other comical incidents that evening, I did something very “adorable.” And I say “adorable” because that is often how others refer to me. I think they mean “special” but they are just being nice. Unlike me, they understand “tact.” But I digress.
Maybe a back story is in order. I have always been very friendly with other women because I never really thought anything of it. So I am very free with my compliment if I like something another woman may be wearing, or doing. I am very tactile and cutsey. These traits generally bode well. I mean, who doesn’t like a compliment? As a woman I know how long you have spent getting ready tonight, so I commend your effort. And who doesn’t like hugs? So far it sounds like ice cream and sprinkles. Right?
Except when you go to a venue where ninety percent of the women there are, um, into other women. Which is where my social awkwardness came in. I was completely unaware of Tegan and Sara’s audience demographic. I figured a large part of the audience would be female, with a few gay men, and the rest getting dragged there by their significant others. That makes sense. I did not take anything else into consideration.
There was this woman who was standing a few feet in front of us all night, and I spent a while admiring her hair. It was a very beautiful color. In fact, it is the same color I keep trying to bring mine to. But I have stubborn hair. So, later in the evening when I encountered her between the bar and bathroom I stopped her to let her know how much I appreciate her hair. We got to talking about hair. Which led to us touching each other’s hair. Then she started rubbing my shoulders. And the whole time I was thinking “oh, she is really nice” while Tanya is standing to the side shaking her head. She was doing it in that “oh, Christene, no…” way which I immediately recognized from previous faux pas’. Oops. I didn’t know what the problem was, but I was alerted to the fact that there was one. She explained the situation. Oh.
For years I have known better than to engage men in conversations. But I wasn’t aware of women. Better yet, I wasn’t aware I was attractive to other women. I don’t know why I assumed that was the case, but I did. I just assumed women didn’t have that type of interest in me. Probably because I don’t have that kind of interest in them. Obviously my logic is flawed, but it took this evening to realize the fallacy.
Well, if anything, I now know that if this whole man thing doesn’t work out, I have options.

Dating Advice From A Married Woman

I have not been single for a while. But I have not forgot what it is like. For those of you still single, and looking for someone, I would like to share some advice from the female perspective.
I have a friend who is single and looking for a girl friend. I have given this same advice to him on multiple occasions, and so far, he has not taken it. I know, unsolicited advice is the worst kind. And really, I should stop. But I do it because I care. I imagine if you are still reading this, you are at the very least curious about what I have to say. Maybe you will seriously consider it.
If you are looking to find out how to find the girl of your dreams, woo her, and live happily ever after, I am sorry to disappoint, but my advice is only for the first handful of dates. After that you are on your own.
Let’s begin with what everyone already knows and build from there. Women like to be wooed and wowed, and go home after a first date feeling woozy in their knees. Wowza! That is a tall order.
This is where most men generally assume that a woman will more likely feel this if she is taken out to a wonderful dinner, and has a great time on the date. Yes, this is partly correct. Here is where the “partly” comes in. Women want to be wowed, by YOU. Not your wallet. Unless she is a gold digger, in which case my methods will help weed her out. You are welcome.
Offering a woman an amazing first date filled with a luxurious dinner, carriage ride through Central Park, and a helicopter flight over the Hollywood Sign seems like a wonderful idea (and by the way, this is advice on dating, not a geography lesson). But what you are doing is setting unreal expectations. This approach is only valid if you are not seeking a deep relationship and just want to either get laid, or at best have a superficial girl friend. In which case you wouldn’t be reading this so I think it is safe to assume you want to find someone genuine.
In order to do this, she must know the real you. Go to Chili’s or Friday’s or whatever similar place is handy in your neighborhood. You are setting the standards. This is what date night is like with you. Ruth Chris’ Steak House is reserved for special occasions. One year anniversary. Her birthday. You want her to have a good time with you because she likes you. This is what she gets. If she likes you, and genuinely wants to be with you, Chili’s will be a blast. If she is looking for money or something else, well, she won’t take your call next time, and you have just averted falling for Miss Wrong.
Honestly, I can’t stress this enough. Aside from my friend I watch men do this all the time. They get a date with a girl they really like and plan this lavish and elaborate first date. Then when they can’t keep it up over time (because most men don’t have that kind of money), the relationship fizzles out. Now the men are upset because of all the wasted time, effort, and expense.
When I was dating I wanted to feel special. This entailed attention, not physical gifts. Sure, I like nice places and pretty trinkets. But what I love are phone calls, texts, emails, and time together. I want to feel appreciated. I want to know he is thinking about me. My husband and I still maintain this. We email throughout the day, text, occasionally call (I am not huge on phone calls), and make the best out of any time we get together. We have had one “date night” in the past two months. What did we chose to do? Have lunch at a fast food place. And I had an amazing time.
Of course we are married, and he is no longer trying to win me over. He already knows I love him. But it was the same even when we were dating. If a girl likes you, she likes YOU. Everything else is an added bonus. So stop setting yourself up for failure and give the next girl you go out with the chance to fall for the real you.
What dating advice do you wish you could give to others?