Category Archives: dating

Not A Process

I am still reading the book that is basically the equivalent of a female bildungsroman, and as the main character reflects on her early twenties, she recounts how she met a man at a bar in Manhattan, dated him for two weeks, and essentially spent the next six years pining for him. While I hope this is not what I have to look forward to for the next six years, I came to the same conclusion she had at the end of the chapter.

Yes, the man I can’t stop thinking about was(is) wonderful, fun, intelligent, attractive and special, but what made him even more so was that, if I think about it, he was the first man I had ever really dated. Until meeting him there was always a sense of a quest, every relationship had a goal, and end product to diligently work towards, meticulously guiding the entire process. And it did become a process.

But this was different. I was able to enjoy time with him and not run home afterwards to plan our wedding while coming up with names for our future children. Our times together weren’t stepping stones to anything else. This doesn’t mean these times weren’t precursors for more, more time, more everything, but also, more of the same. I wasn’t dating to get married. I wasn’t dating to have children. I was able to enjoy being with him for the sake of it, and it was unbelievably relaxing. Almost as if before then I didn’t even know such a thing could exist. You mean people do this?

Whenever I thought of us in the future, it was simply an extension of the here and now, a prolonging of what was without definite expectations, except that it would continue to be. Well, I was wrong on the latter, but the overall sense of easy continuity was liberating.

And now that I have had this wonderful revelation, I can return to my previously scheduled pining.


Happy Anniversary

Since one person already assumed, just to clarify, when I said I am not currently interested in pursuing random men I was not implying I am looking for a woman. For those of you who have known me for a while (including the person who asked), you will remember that the last time I was with a woman it didn’t go quite so well. Have you forgotten?

Yes, there was a time I decided I no longer wanted to have anything to do with men, ever again. Coincidentally a good friend of mine was feeling much the same way. We were both heartbroken, upset, angry, [keep inserting similar adjectives], and we were rather young. Actually, I was young, and she was even younger. Our judgement wasn’t at its best. We decided to give up men together and have a relationship.

We spent several months as a couple, except we overlooked the rather important fact that we were both really quite attracted to men, and not so much to each other. We had fun and went out a lot, but it was more akin to girls’ night out than actual dating. And our physical relationship often felt like a strange science experiment. We kept this going for about five months.

We didn’t really break up, but rather just gave up. A few weeks later she found a man to date. I must have appeared saddened by this because she offered to share him with me. For a few months we shared him, taking turns. She had Saturdays, I had Fridays, and so forth. He didn’t seem to mind and let us decide his schedule as we saw fit. We rarely all went out together, but oddly enough on those occasions me and her were more interested in each other than in him. He didn’t seem to mind that either, just left us to our own devices as we chattered and squealed about who knows what for hours.

Then one night she slept with him, and then I didn’t want him anymore. I didn’t want either of them. I was unrightfully angry and felt hurt. Somewhere inside of me I assumed we would all just keep going out like that forever and nothing would happen. I know it sounds ridiculous now, but at the time it somehow made sense to me. I mean, I knew the reality of the relationship I was in, but when faced with it so starkly, it stung more than I could have anticipated. And this, coupled with another emotion – why did he want to sleep with her and not me? What was wrong with *me*?

I felt betrayed, which in turn made her feel guilty. Neither of us knew how to handle these emotions, especially because they were irrational. She didn’t do anything wrong, and  had nothing to feel guilty for, hence her confusion. As for me, well, what did I expect?

We didn’t speak to each other again for a long time. The man in question is long gone, but me and her are still very good friends. It just took years of repair. And if I ever get upset over how complicated a relationship with a man is, I just recall my time with a woman. I think she does the same, and has also kept to the men part of things. In fact I will be her bridesmaid next weekend as she marries a very nice man.

I guess that is what got me thinking of her. On this evening, several years ago, she was my bridesmaid. Happy anniversary to me….

Coming to Terms

When I went to visit Tanya yesterday our other friend was also there who I don’t get to see as often. She was telling us about the men she is currently dating, and told me I would be far less lonely if I found a man. Find a man? Last time I checked there wasn’t a man shortage. They are everywhere. Unfortunately I seem to have no interest in finding any of them.

I have never been able to be with or date multiple men. Even when I had two men, as far as I was concerned I was only ever really with one. Not one at a time, but only ever one.  Maybe that is the problem. I am happier living with the memory of man I once had, even if not fully or for very long, than the idea of being with someone else.

My other friends say that that is perfectly normal. Maybe it is. Maybe they are just trying to make me feel better. Either way it doesn’t change anything.

I have so much going on nowadays the lonliness doesn’t really hit me until I want to do something that requires another person, or would be better with another. That is when I remember most vividly. In those few hours we would have together he brought me to life, wound me up and made me spin. I felt alive. Now the fantasy I would temporarily escape to has become my reality, but he is not here to share it, or enjoy it with me. Almost as if I had to trade one for the other.

The problem (solution?) isn’t finding another man. I just have to come to terms with the idea that I am not meant to be with one.