Category Archives: relationship

A Perfect Circle

I was reading one of the books I bought this weekend, a work discussing happiness within relationships. And I realized what my problem is – the thing that is so wrong with me which makes me undesirable. Granted this is work of fiction, the woman describes marriage in terms of finding her other half.

It is not so much that I have never found my other half, but I have never actually sought it out, or had any desire for it. I think that is what drives men away. They are initially attracted to me, get to know me and realize I don’t have some sort of compulsion towards meshing. And then they leave.

I don’t fall in love and develop strange obsessions for their interests. I catalog them, keep in mind their likes and dislikes for future reference, but don’t take them on as my own. I am not referring to things we have in common, because that is kind of a prerequisite for any relationship to even get started, but I mean the little things, the personal interests that diverge. I have always thought of these interests as things to be acknowledge, but not necessarily adopted. Maybe that is my problem, I have never looked for a man as a missing puzzle piece, nor did I want to be his.

I have always been perfectly fine with having a man watch me dance (albeit not well) to Elton John without ever understanding why I am in love with Tiny Dancer. I just am.

Of course I spent the better part of my twenties obsessed with marriage and creating the perfect one, but at no point was I considering it as a way of finding my other self. Aside from things I already had in common with a man, or things to which he would introduce me and I actually took pleasure in, the idea of forming myself to his interests seemed wrong (says the single woman with four cats… a.k.a relationship guru extraordinaire… and perhaps cat whisperer).

Reading this book I am beginning to understand how unnatural I must seem. I see other women devoted to interests they never even knew they had, absolutely fascinated by whatever their men like. Then I see other women who don’t develop these interests genuinely, but they know how to keep a man, so they adamantly testify to loving his interests. I have never been good at that either.

Am I missing a gene? Wasn’t I supposed to be born with this innate desire to form a perfect circle with someone? Maybe I just need to be beaten around the edges.

Happy Anniversary

Since one person already assumed, just to clarify, when I said I am not currently interested in pursuing random men I was not implying I am looking for a woman. For those of you who have known me for a while (including the person who asked), you will remember that the last time I was with a woman it didn’t go quite so well. Have you forgotten?

Yes, there was a time I decided I no longer wanted to have anything to do with men, ever again. Coincidentally a good friend of mine was feeling much the same way. We were both heartbroken, upset, angry, [keep inserting similar adjectives], and we were rather young. Actually, I was young, and she was even younger. Our judgement wasn’t at its best. We decided to give up men together and have a relationship.

We spent several months as a couple, except we overlooked the rather important fact that we were both really quite attracted to men, and not so much to each other. We had fun and went out a lot, but it was more akin to girls’ night out than actual dating. And our physical relationship often felt like a strange science experiment. We kept this going for about five months.

We didn’t really break up, but rather just gave up. A few weeks later she found a man to date. I must have appeared saddened by this because she offered to share him with me. For a few months we shared him, taking turns. She had Saturdays, I had Fridays, and so forth. He didn’t seem to mind and let us decide his schedule as we saw fit. We rarely all went out together, but oddly enough on those occasions me and her were more interested in each other than in him. He didn’t seem to mind that either, just left us to our own devices as we chattered and squealed about who knows what for hours.

Then one night she slept with him, and then I didn’t want him anymore. I didn’t want either of them. I was unrightfully angry and felt hurt. Somewhere inside of me I assumed we would all just keep going out like that forever and nothing would happen. I know it sounds ridiculous now, but at the time it somehow made sense to me. I mean, I knew the reality of the relationship I was in, but when faced with it so starkly, it stung more than I could have anticipated. And this, coupled with another emotion – why did he want to sleep with her and not me? What was wrong with *me*?

I felt betrayed, which in turn made her feel guilty. Neither of us knew how to handle these emotions, especially because they were irrational. She didn’t do anything wrong, and  had nothing to feel guilty for, hence her confusion. As for me, well, what did I expect?

We didn’t speak to each other again for a long time. The man in question is long gone, but me and her are still very good friends. It just took years of repair. And if I ever get upset over how complicated a relationship with a man is, I just recall my time with a woman. I think she does the same, and has also kept to the men part of things. In fact I will be her bridesmaid next weekend as she marries a very nice man.

I guess that is what got me thinking of her. On this evening, several years ago, she was my bridesmaid. Happy anniversary to me….

Coming to Terms

When I went to visit Tanya yesterday our other friend was also there who I don’t get to see as often. She was telling us about the men she is currently dating, and told me I would be far less lonely if I found a man. Find a man? Last time I checked there wasn’t a man shortage. They are everywhere. Unfortunately I seem to have no interest in finding any of them.

I have never been able to be with or date multiple men. Even when I had two men, as far as I was concerned I was only ever really with one. Not one at a time, but only ever one.  Maybe that is the problem. I am happier living with the memory of man I once had, even if not fully or for very long, than the idea of being with someone else.

My other friends say that that is perfectly normal. Maybe it is. Maybe they are just trying to make me feel better. Either way it doesn’t change anything.

I have so much going on nowadays the lonliness doesn’t really hit me until I want to do something that requires another person, or would be better with another. That is when I remember most vividly. In those few hours we would have together he brought me to life, wound me up and made me spin. I felt alive. Now the fantasy I would temporarily escape to has become my reality, but he is not here to share it, or enjoy it with me. Almost as if I had to trade one for the other.

The problem (solution?) isn’t finding another man. I just have to come to terms with the idea that I am not meant to be with one.