When I went to visit Tanya yesterday our other friend was also there who I don’t get to see as often. She was telling us about the men she is currently dating, and told me I would be far less lonely if I found a man. Find a man? Last time I checked there wasn’t a man shortage. They are everywhere. Unfortunately I seem to have no interest in finding any of them.
I have never been able to be with or date multiple men. Even when I had two men, as far as I was concerned I was only ever really with one. Not one at a time, but only ever one. Maybe that is the problem. I am happier living with the memory of man I once had, even if not fully or for very long, than the idea of being with someone else.
My other friends say that that is perfectly normal. Maybe it is. Maybe they are just trying to make me feel better. Either way it doesn’t change anything.
I have so much going on nowadays the lonliness doesn’t really hit me until I want to do something that requires another person, or would be better with another. That is when I remember most vividly. In those few hours we would have together he brought me to life, wound me up and made me spin. I felt alive. Now the fantasy I would temporarily escape to has become my reality, but he is not here to share it, or enjoy it with me. Almost as if I had to trade one for the other.
The problem (solution?) isn’t finding another man. I just have to come to terms with the idea that I am not meant to be with one.