Category Archives: dating

I Tried

Last week I wrote this post (Circadian Rhythms). I said I wanted to feel like that again. I knew what I meant, but I had not properly expressed it, even to myself.  I knew what I wanted to achieve, but had not realized the implications.

When it became public knowledge that I was getting a divorce, a man I knew called and asked me to dinner. I declined because there was another man I could not stop thinking about. Earlier this week I called him back and accepted his dinner invitation. We went out tonight.
First dates are generally pretty awkward to begin with, almost unnatural. But tonight just felt wrong. I was initially excited at the prospect of moving on with things. I got all dressed up, bounced around, had coffee with Tanya earlier and couldn’t stop talking about it. But less than an hour through dinner and I didn’t want to be there. This isn’t what I wanted.
I wasn’t trying to move on with things, I was trying to recreate. I wanted to get dressed up, and go out, and have a good time, and talk and laugh, but not with this man. And I didn’t want to play pretend. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone.
He was a very nice man, and under different circumstances, if I wasn’t stuck in a loop thinking about someone else, I would have probably had a very good time. He tried to create a lovely evening for me. He didn’t deserve to be nothing more than a placeholder for my imagination. And doing so would probably not be very good for me either.
We finished out the evening early. I thought about everything and I think this is the first time I actually came to terms with what happened with the one before. No, I don’t mean I am delusional and and can’t grasp reality. I just think this is the first time I actually allowed myself to think about him.  I was afraid to cry, to really feel the hurt. I tried to bury it in distractions (that generally work well for me), without thinking about why I felt the way I did.
The simple explanation was that I loved him, and missed him. Well, yes. But I can’t stop thinking about him because I trusted him. He was the first man in many years that I opened up to and trusted. He never judged me (I can’t attest to what he was thinking, but he never openly chided or scorned me). He never made me feel like there was something wrong with me. He never tried changing me. So I trusted him.
We knew what the other was like, and when we would spend hours looking into each other, there was the delightful and also the unpleasant, but neither of us seemed to care. So I trusted him. I opened up and let him see. I showed him the inner workings of my mind, and let him watch me tinker. I showed him the part of my humor that others disdain. I began opening up to him physically. He never judged me for any of that.
And when I looked into him I saw many things, some of which he may have liked to keep well hidden, but I didn’t care.
It was those moments that I missed, and then repressed. Those were the moments I wanted to recreate, but can’t.  I was comfortable and happy.
Tonight I realized that the void I am trying to fill cannot at this time be filled. He never meant to hurt me, even in the end. I don’t think he would have ever done anything to to purposely hurt me.  No one can ever change the way they feel, and he simply acted on his feelings. I cannot blame him for that, nor did I stop trusting him because of it. When he left I thought that maybe, even though he didn’t try to change me, there was something so horrid about me, or something I did, or said, that drove him away. I finally realized that, well, maybe there was, maybe I did do or say something, but maybe not. Sometimes you just stop wanting someone. Sometimes circumstances get in the way. Maybe I am trying to make myself feel better.
But my problem isn’t so much that I miss him, but something outside of him completely. I have no desire to trust another. Tonight I did not have the slightest wont to open up.
I sat there, waiting until a decent amount of time passed and I could go home. To be fair, it was not a bad evening. Conversation was good, the venue was very ambient, and the man treated me kindly. It could have been better, but that is my problem, not his.
Obviously I have no intention of doing this again soon, but to make matters worse, a little over an hour after I got home he called to let me know he had a great time and would like to see me again. He hadn’t actually expected me to answer my phone and he was going to leave a voicemail. When I picked up he got frazzled and it made the whole thing more awkward. I should not have answered. Seriously, can I do anything right? I politely declined, told him how I misjudged things, and it is too soon after the decision to divorce, and my kids would be too confused, and, and, and…. And now I feel like a total bitch *and* a liar… and he didn’t deserve either.

Dating Advice From A Married Woman

I have not been single for a while. But I have not forgot what it is like. For those of you still single, and looking for someone, I would like to share some advice from the female perspective.
I have a friend who is single and looking for a girl friend. I have given this same advice to him on multiple occasions, and so far, he has not taken it. I know, unsolicited advice is the worst kind. And really, I should stop. But I do it because I care. I imagine if you are still reading this, you are at the very least curious about what I have to say. Maybe you will seriously consider it.
If you are looking to find out how to find the girl of your dreams, woo her, and live happily ever after, I am sorry to disappoint, but my advice is only for the first handful of dates. After that you are on your own.
Let’s begin with what everyone already knows and build from there. Women like to be wooed and wowed, and go home after a first date feeling woozy in their knees. Wowza! That is a tall order.
This is where most men generally assume that a woman will more likely feel this if she is taken out to a wonderful dinner, and has a great time on the date. Yes, this is partly correct. Here is where the “partly” comes in. Women want to be wowed, by YOU. Not your wallet. Unless she is a gold digger, in which case my methods will help weed her out. You are welcome.
Offering a woman an amazing first date filled with a luxurious dinner, carriage ride through Central Park, and a helicopter flight over the Hollywood Sign seems like a wonderful idea (and by the way, this is advice on dating, not a geography lesson). But what you are doing is setting unreal expectations. This approach is only valid if you are not seeking a deep relationship and just want to either get laid, or at best have a superficial girl friend. In which case you wouldn’t be reading this so I think it is safe to assume you want to find someone genuine.
In order to do this, she must know the real you. Go to Chili’s or Friday’s or whatever similar place is handy in your neighborhood. You are setting the standards. This is what date night is like with you. Ruth Chris’ Steak House is reserved for special occasions. One year anniversary. Her birthday. You want her to have a good time with you because she likes you. This is what she gets. If she likes you, and genuinely wants to be with you, Chili’s will be a blast. If she is looking for money or something else, well, she won’t take your call next time, and you have just averted falling for Miss Wrong.
Honestly, I can’t stress this enough. Aside from my friend I watch men do this all the time. They get a date with a girl they really like and plan this lavish and elaborate first date. Then when they can’t keep it up over time (because most men don’t have that kind of money), the relationship fizzles out. Now the men are upset because of all the wasted time, effort, and expense.
When I was dating I wanted to feel special. This entailed attention, not physical gifts. Sure, I like nice places and pretty trinkets. But what I love are phone calls, texts, emails, and time together. I want to feel appreciated. I want to know he is thinking about me. My husband and I still maintain this. We email throughout the day, text, occasionally call (I am not huge on phone calls), and make the best out of any time we get together. We have had one “date night” in the past two months. What did we chose to do? Have lunch at a fast food place. And I had an amazing time.
Of course we are married, and he is no longer trying to win me over. He already knows I love him. But it was the same even when we were dating. If a girl likes you, she likes YOU. Everything else is an added bonus. So stop setting yourself up for failure and give the next girl you go out with the chance to fall for the real you.
What dating advice do you wish you could give to others?

The Three Day Rule Of Dating

I also write for another blog, and one of the contributors there, Adam, wrote a great article on the 3 day rule. In response to his article, I am writing from the female perspective.
Granted I have not been on a date in years (I am married), I have at one point dated, and remember what it was like. With that, I have to agree with Adam, the three day rule is a bunch of hooha.
Why? Because it makes no sense. As a woman, if I went on a date with a man, had a great time, and then did not hear from him, by the next day I would already be assuming he must have felt differently. If he called me three days later, at best I would assume he was only a little into me, and frankly, I am not going to waste my time with a man who is only a little into me.
When I was dating I wanted a man to want me. I wanted to feel special. I wanted to be with someone who appreciated me, and made sure I knew it. I love board games, not dating games. You want to be with me, call me. If a man didn’t call, I can assure you another one did, and chances are I was spending my Saturday evening with him.
This goes for women too. No, I wasn’t dating women. But I constantly see women trying to play hard to get. Stop. It is women like you who mess with guys’ heads and make them think they have to wait a certain amount of time to call, text, or whatever. No one benefits.
Bottom line, if you don’t call, the other person is probably going to assume you are not on the same page. If you had a great time, just call. Or you may have lost a great chance.
What is your take on it?