Category Archives: advice

Here You Go…

I was talking to my mom the other night, and despite her general odd way of saying things she has been around a while, and has done and seen quite a bit, so for the most part (and I hate to admit this) she is usually right.

My mother has always had this strange fascination with how relationships work, or better stated, don’t work, despite the fact that, to my knowledge, she has never been with anyone except my dad.

As she was once again discussing her favorite subject, she began by reiterating some of the main causes that ruin relationships. I will share a bit of her wisdom on marriage (a lot of which took me years to figure out myself).

If you happen to be with a particularly needy person it is a good idea not to allow them to think you will spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with them. They will be sorely disappointed when you don’t, and a lot of fights could have been averted if you had made it clear from the beginning that that is just not your thing.

Pick your battles. The other person will be flawed, they will do things to annoy you, they won’t have all the traits you desire, and you will just have to accept some of these things as they are, because you have the same faults.

It is always a bad idea to give the other person full access to your bank account. Especially if you make more than them.

Your friends are not their friends, and vice versa. Should you break up, the divide will be clear, at least among good friends. The acquaintances may stagger both sides.

Pets are important. They are not accessories. If they don’t like cats, or are allergic to cats, and you have fifty of them, it will be a problem. (Although if you have fifty cats it is most likely already a problem).

If your significant other controls you, it is because you are allowing it.

Relationships are sometimes like harems. It comes and goes, but as long as you are the favorite, the others aren’t of consequence. My mother used a different example which I don’t remember in its entirety, but I will share a similar one from the Wife of Bath (my own translation): allowing another to light their candle from your lantern will not diminish your own light. Make of this what you will. Even though I have heard this sentiment from her on numerous occasions, I cannot tell you how it makes me feel. I don’t know.

If the other person is abusing you, accepting their apology is most likely an acceptance for the abuse to continue. Because it probably will. And they will keep apologizing for it.

Jewelry does not make things better. It only makes you temporarily forget. Also, keep the jewelry. Don’t be stupid and give it back, or throw it at them. If whatever they have done merits jewelry, then you have earned it. I would like to add that the same goes for men, except from my experience men mostly receive intangible or short lived gifts (i.e. amazing dinner), to which the second part of this rule does not apply. However, if it comes between throwing your dinner at her, or eating it, I would suggest the latter – there is never a reason to waste good food.

It doesn’t matter how much time you spend together, if it is always at home, even home-bodies will get bored. Maybe it is just me, but there is something very special about going out with your significant other. It doesn’t matter how many years you have married, the process is the thing.

You did not marry a psychic (unless, of course, you did, in which case disregard this point). Verbally expressing your wants and needs makes everything more clear, for you and them. They may or may not be able to fix whatever problem you are having. They may or may not be willing to fix whatever problem you are having. But now you know where you stand.

Not all of these apply to everyone, and not everyone will believe all or any of this makes sense. But hopefully at least some of this will help someone.

Dating Advice From A Married Woman

I have not been single for a while. But I have not forgot what it is like. For those of you still single, and looking for someone, I would like to share some advice from the female perspective.
I have a friend who is single and looking for a girl friend. I have given this same advice to him on multiple occasions, and so far, he has not taken it. I know, unsolicited advice is the worst kind. And really, I should stop. But I do it because I care. I imagine if you are still reading this, you are at the very least curious about what I have to say. Maybe you will seriously consider it.
If you are looking to find out how to find the girl of your dreams, woo her, and live happily ever after, I am sorry to disappoint, but my advice is only for the first handful of dates. After that you are on your own.
Let’s begin with what everyone already knows and build from there. Women like to be wooed and wowed, and go home after a first date feeling woozy in their knees. Wowza! That is a tall order.
This is where most men generally assume that a woman will more likely feel this if she is taken out to a wonderful dinner, and has a great time on the date. Yes, this is partly correct. Here is where the “partly” comes in. Women want to be wowed, by YOU. Not your wallet. Unless she is a gold digger, in which case my methods will help weed her out. You are welcome.
Offering a woman an amazing first date filled with a luxurious dinner, carriage ride through Central Park, and a helicopter flight over the Hollywood Sign seems like a wonderful idea (and by the way, this is advice on dating, not a geography lesson). But what you are doing is setting unreal expectations. This approach is only valid if you are not seeking a deep relationship and just want to either get laid, or at best have a superficial girl friend. In which case you wouldn’t be reading this so I think it is safe to assume you want to find someone genuine.
In order to do this, she must know the real you. Go to Chili’s or Friday’s or whatever similar place is handy in your neighborhood. You are setting the standards. This is what date night is like with you. Ruth Chris’ Steak House is reserved for special occasions. One year anniversary. Her birthday. You want her to have a good time with you because she likes you. This is what she gets. If she likes you, and genuinely wants to be with you, Chili’s will be a blast. If she is looking for money or something else, well, she won’t take your call next time, and you have just averted falling for Miss Wrong.
Honestly, I can’t stress this enough. Aside from my friend I watch men do this all the time. They get a date with a girl they really like and plan this lavish and elaborate first date. Then when they can’t keep it up over time (because most men don’t have that kind of money), the relationship fizzles out. Now the men are upset because of all the wasted time, effort, and expense.
When I was dating I wanted to feel special. This entailed attention, not physical gifts. Sure, I like nice places and pretty trinkets. But what I love are phone calls, texts, emails, and time together. I want to feel appreciated. I want to know he is thinking about me. My husband and I still maintain this. We email throughout the day, text, occasionally call (I am not huge on phone calls), and make the best out of any time we get together. We have had one “date night” in the past two months. What did we chose to do? Have lunch at a fast food place. And I had an amazing time.
Of course we are married, and he is no longer trying to win me over. He already knows I love him. But it was the same even when we were dating. If a girl likes you, she likes YOU. Everything else is an added bonus. So stop setting yourself up for failure and give the next girl you go out with the chance to fall for the real you.
What dating advice do you wish you could give to others?