Because I need to laugh right now. And I don’t think you understand *how much* I need to laugh right now. Really folks, this needs to happen. So, in keeping with this, and considering it is still relatively the New Year because I haven’t gone back to work yet, here are some resolutions of things I need to stop doing this year.
The word “amazing” needs to stop. I realize not everything is amazing, and I really feel I am detracting from those things that are by overusing the word. Like that cup of coffee I got at the gas station the other day. Yes, I really needed coffee, and while I may have, at the time, felt it was amazing because I was going through caffeine withdrawal, I also must realize that in all probability the gas station coffee was not “amazing.” It may have been good, it might have even been really good, but more than likely it was so-so, and fulfilled my caffeine junkie needs.
I need to stop judging other women by how they dress. And I don’t mean in that “oh, she is so skanky” kind of way. Because I only judge other women on how scantly they are dressed if they are standing outside shivering ridiculously. For the love of God, it is cold outside, put a hat on. What I mean, is I need to stop judging fashion sense. I realize that just because your purse does not match your shoes does not make you a horrible person. And just because you haven’t yet come to the conclusion that those stripes aren’t working for you doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.
Just like not everything is “amazing,” not everything is “terrifying.” Some things are disconcerting, perhaps upsetting, mildly scary, but seriously, unless there is a giant spider crawling up my thighs, I am not truly terrified. I should begin reserving this word for proper usage lest it loses its potency.
I need to stop collecting cats. Yes, they are unbelievably cute, cuddly, furry little things. I have five of them, and they are currently conspiring to kick me out of my bed at night. A sixth or seventh will either lead to mutiny, or a kitty riot. Both of which may sound adorable, but from my perspective, are both rather inconvenient to say the least . The very next time someone says they have a cat that needs a home, I will look the other way. No, I don’t want to see your delightful pictures, keep your cats to yourself!
It may be January, but it is far from winter. I need to stop dressing for a ski trip in near 80 degree weather. I may appear season appropriate, but there is never an appropriate time to saunter around like I am in a sauna… fully dressed. The other day I had to peel my clothes off and fight off the sudden urge to lay naked on the bathroom floor. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that my bathroom is about three feet by three feet, and laying on the floor would involve entirely too much contortionist-like behavior.
And lastly, I must stop using my kids as an excuse to go the candy store. While they may enjoy the candy, it is not beneficial for them, and certainly not for me. If I want candy, I will go to the grocery store like normal people and withstand the judgement that comes with purchasing five pounds of jelly bellies at the counter. Yes, they are all for me. Stop staring.
I am sure I am leaving several things out. As I think of them I will either add them to this list, or create a new one. Or five.