Category Archives: resolutions


Because I need to laugh right now. And I don’t think you understand *how much* I need to laugh right now. Really folks, this needs to happen. So, in keeping with this, and considering it is still relatively the New Year because I haven’t gone back to work yet, here are some resolutions of things I need to stop doing this year.

The word “amazing” needs to stop. I realize not everything is amazing, and I really feel I am detracting from those things that are by overusing the word. Like that cup of coffee I got at the gas station the other day. Yes, I really needed coffee, and while I may have, at the time, felt it was amazing because I was going through caffeine withdrawal, I also must realize that in all probability the gas station coffee was not “amazing.” It may have been good, it might have even been really good, but more than likely it was so-so, and fulfilled my caffeine junkie needs.

I need to stop judging other women by how they dress. And I don’t mean in that “oh, she is so skanky” kind of way. Because I only judge other women on how scantly they are dressed if they are standing outside shivering ridiculously. For the love of God, it is cold outside, put a hat on. What I mean, is I need to stop judging fashion sense. I realize that just because your purse does not match your shoes does not make you a horrible person. And just because you haven’t yet come to the conclusion that those stripes aren’t working for you doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.

Just like not everything is “amazing,” not everything is “terrifying.” Some things are disconcerting, perhaps upsetting, mildly scary, but seriously, unless there is a giant spider crawling up my thighs, I am not truly terrified. I should begin reserving this word for proper usage lest it loses its potency.

I need to stop collecting cats. Yes, they are unbelievably cute, cuddly, furry little things. I have five of them, and they are currently conspiring to kick me out of my bed at night. A sixth or seventh will either lead to mutiny, or a kitty riot. Both of which may sound adorable, but from my perspective, are both rather inconvenient to say the least . The very next time someone says they have a cat that needs a home, I will look the other way. No, I don’t want to see your delightful pictures, keep your cats to yourself!

It may be January, but it is far from winter. I need to stop dressing for a ski trip in near 80 degree weather. I may appear season appropriate, but there is never an appropriate time to saunter around like I am in a sauna… fully dressed. The other day I had to peel my clothes off and fight off the sudden urge to lay naked on the bathroom floor. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that my bathroom is about three feet by three feet, and laying on the floor would involve entirely too much contortionist-like behavior.

And lastly, I must stop using my kids as an excuse to go the candy store. While they may enjoy the candy, it is not beneficial for them, and certainly not for me. If I want candy, I will go to the grocery store like normal people and withstand the judgement that comes with purchasing five pounds of jelly bellies at the counter. Yes, they are all for me. Stop staring.

I am sure I am leaving several things out. As I think of them I will either add them to this list, or create a new one. Or five.



I guess it’s that time of year, and after some close consideration, I have come up with my New Year’s Resolutions, some of which I didn’t come up with myself, but they seem like a good idea.

I will tweet and update my Facebook status on a more regular basis with every thought that has ever occurred to me in case anyone needs to know these things. I will start right now by telling you I am extremely tired because it is way past my usual bed time (and what was I waiting for anyway? Was I expecting donuts to fall from the sky at midnight?).

I will die my hair a different color every week. Do a Fifty Shades of Red montage.

I will spend less than $2000 a month at Starbucks. Coffee Bean could use some of my money too.

I will drive closer to the speed limit. Much closer.

I will hold more grudges. I think I am entirely too forgiving, and some grudge holding could only do me good. This will lead to stress and perhaps some nagging, both of which I heard were extremely desirable traits in a woman.

I will stop being so proactive. Everything will be last minute from now on. I will recklessly abandon all responsibility, let my children run like savages, and live like a wild woman. I am sure this will be a positive things for my career and overall wellbeing.

I will lose even more weight. Rumor has it anorexia will be all the rage in 2014.

I will blog more. Three times a day isn’t enough. In fact, I resolve to abandon my entire social life and just blog at all hours (while constantly updating all of my social profiles).

I will save time, money and energy for the more important things in life (like blogging and grudge holding) by no longer cleaning my house. It will just get dirty again anyway, and since I plan on abandoning my social life in light of blogging, no one will ever know.

I will become addicted to something (other than blogging), and focus all of my remaining energy into it. And I don’t mean anything productive or beneficial like my endorphin addiction that gets me running every morning. No, this new addiction will be harmful (but not lethal in the short term). Then, next year I can make a resolution to kick the habit. (Great, hasn’t even been three minutes, and I have already broken the previous resolution to stop planning ahead).

Well, with all these wonderful ideas I am sure my life will improve drastically and I will be just around the corner from great success and happiness.

Happy New Year everyone!


New Year Resolutions – A Few Days Late

I know January first has come and gone, and I should have posted my list of resolutions earlier, but I like to give these things a lot of thought. Resolutions cannot be taken lightly. Not to mention, considering my first resolution in this list, this is most appropriate. So here are six (maybe seven, depending on how you count) things I want to accomplish this year. You can too.
Procrastinate More
I don’t think I procrastinate enough. In fact, I don’t think I procrastinate at all. This is a problem, especially since my efficiency has actually cost me more work in the past. For example, I have completed homework assignments the night they were assigned, only for the professor to change her mind the next day. That was fun. So this year I shall put off absolutely everything until the very last second and then stressfully attempt to get everything together in as little time as possible. Surely this will lead to brilliant work.
Change My Style
I have been told I dress nicely. Obviously this has to stop. This year I will stop caring about how I look. I will at all times appear as though I have just been run over by some large vehicle. I will stop ironing my work clothes – in fact, I will stop wearing work clothes altogether. All of my presentable outfits will hang in my closet indefinitely while I roam around in sweat pants and frumpy shirts.
Buy Sweat Pants
In order for the above to transpire, I shall purchase slovenly clothing, staring with sweat pants. Also some frumpy shirts. Do you buy them like that or do I actually have to make my own? Do they come with instructions?
Stop Wearing Make-up
Evidently I can’t look disheveled while sporting full make-up. This too has to come to an end. I will only wear enough make-up to look my age (or reasonably close), but not enough to seem attractive. Oh no, not the natural look. That would be too easy. I plan on wearing color palates to utterly clash with my skin tones, and eyes. Blue eye shadow, purple lip stick, and just the wrong shade of blush.
Stop Being Optimistic and Complain More
In a continuous effort to demoralize those around me I shall stop looking at the bright side. From now on I shall mope constantly. Starbucks put too much coffee in my cup? Woe is me! Do they even understand the delicate balance of coffee to creamer ratio? The trouble I will have to go to in order to spill some of it out. The burden they have placed on me! Raining you say? I hadn’t noticed as my tears far outnumber the wet drops outside. Now I can’t wear what I had originally intended. My day is ruined! Ruined, I tell you! As I shake my fists at the sky. Oh the tragedy! If only it was just one day. But now this has offset the entirety of my week. No, you cannot possibly understand. I am doomed. We are all doomed. Doomed I tell you!!
Speak Only In Hyperbole
I too often underestimate myself, but no more! From now on every single thing I do will be considered a feat of the greatest importance. Today for example I accomplished a billion things. I had to go to the grocery store and the post office. You cannot even comprehend the difficulty that that entailed. It took me the longest thirty seconds of my life to put on my sweatpants and mismatched make-up. Then I had to drive an entire one and a half blocks. And I had almost no time since the post office closes at five and I didn’t even leave the house until 4:45. It was the worst day of my life!
Come Up With More Resolutions
I don’t think this list is long enough.