Category Archives: questions


A is certain of the other’s existence in my life. According to him we are still together. Despite the fact that there is absolutely no indication of my being with him, or anyone else, A asks about him each time we see each other. How is he doing? What have you two been doing?

How should I know? “We two” have not been doing anything. As far as how he is doing, I don’t know. Whatever I did wrong to make him leave in the first place, I then exacerbated further while we were apart to the point where he doesn’t want to talk, and probably couldn’t even stand the sight of me. I am awful, and the worst part is, I don’t even understand why. Not that it matters I suppose.
I don’t so much mind being reminded of him. I seem to do that just fine on my own. But to have my memories probed, as if they never mattered, to be taken from me and mistreated like ordinary things, and prodded at with questions, is just cruel.
There is nothing left to conceal, but that is not the point. My memories are mine, and precious, and the only baubles I have left. You cannot violate them with your nonsense! They are not things!
A says he wants closure, and wants to understand. But he doesn’t ask about the times I hurt him, or even dwell on how often I was a wicked wife. Instead he wants to pull it out of me, to lay it bare, dissect it slowly and make it common. Because “it all makes sense.” Does it really? What exactly makes sense? Of course that man would never want to be with me. And I am the only idiot with enough self interest not to understand.
Sometimes I think A just wants to hurt me by cataloging my faults. It all makes sense if you look at it that way. Who would want any of that? Then other times I think A just wants to show me, as in, “now do you understand?” Now do you understand why he doesn’t want you? Do you see why he wants someone, anyone, else?
A asks so I can say it out loud. Yes, I see. No, I don’t see. Because I don’t see. Because to me those memories are fragile and real. Before the man made up his mind that I was this horrible thing that needed to be disposed of, it was all real. I say it out loud and then A can spool out the memories, one at a time. Out loud into reality. This all happened. It is not happening. It will never happen again.
After a few minutes the lobotomy style invasion is over. And I will have two more weeks before I am emptied again.

In Response…

I am looking over some commentary on a paper I recently wrote. Either I didn’t make myself clear, or the purposes of my project were somehow lost to the reader.
I will attempt to offer some responses.
“Are you implying Chaucer had an intention when writing?”
I am not implying Chaucer had an intention, I am overtly stating it. In fact my entire argument rests on this.
*** Two pages later***
“Are you trying to say he intended to write the Tales?”
No, it was an accident.
“Does it matter what order they are in? Who cares if they are read backwards?”
Even though I am sure the world will not stop turning should the order of the Tales remain undetermined, it is nevertheless interesting to explore the ways in which they were transcribed, and the methodology behind each editorial edition and addition. Why else would I undertake a textual study? It is an interest like any other, amusing (to me) for its own sake. And considering the amount of scholarship on this exact topic, apparently a lot of people care, and have cared for centuries.
“You say there are 90 manuscripts. Why are you only using two?”
Manly and Rickert outlined every extant manuscript and compiled an eight volume set of books (over 4000 pages) doing so. I am writing a ten page paper. Therefore I am focusing on the two manuscripts many would agree are the most definitive and complete. Also, if you refer to page 5, I discuss the relevance of using Hengwrt as the prototype for Ellesmere as it is commonly thought that both were completed by the same scribe. The significance of this can be found on page 6.
“Sp?” next to Hengwrt. Each time.
No, that is exactly how it is spelled.
“This strikes me like you are saying Grimms’s Tales ‘should’ be in an order.”
Although I am sure there can be such an argument, and maybe one day I will make it, I have never once in this particular paper mentioned Grimms’s Tales. Therefore I cannot tell you what order they “should” be in, or if there is one.
“You mean Retraction?” Next to Retraccioun. Each time.
Yes, I mean Retraction, but I am not trying to modernize the text. If that were the case I would just change all of the spelling and create my own version.
Next to my phrase “… which was believed to have been found in his desk upon his death.” “What do you mean ‘in his desk?’ Is this a metaphor?”
No, I quite literally mean in his desk. Physically present within the man’s desk. On the table. Right there. I am not sure how I can make myself any more clear.
“A lot of your scholarship seems to look at the differences in ink type on the different sheets. Maybe the scribe just ran out of ink?”
Well yes. But the point is that he ran out of ink after having written the pieces in a certain order and then went back to complete the rest, which is why the ink is being analyzed.
“What parameters are you using on scholarship?”
I have no idea what you are asking me.

Stuff! Like The Magazine, Except Way Better

I have had crazy writer’s block lately, so in my incapacitated state, I have not done a lot . However, I did a little, and here it is. For your viewing pleasure.
Stuff I Pinned. I am putting it at the top of the list this time. Because these pretty pictures are better than a lot of my writing right now.
There is something going around. And this can help.
If you have any great topic ideas for me, share in the comments.