Author Archives: Christene

Selling Traits

What do men see when they see me? Writing that post about Cam last night made me realize just how many times I have asked that same question over the years. Why not me? What is wrong with *me*? Men seem to love me for amusement. I am a pretty little thing to play with. And then throw out. In the end, it is never me they want to keep.

My friends then try to make me feel better. He will never find anyone as pretty as you. He will never find anyone as smart as you. He will never find anyone as…

So? So maybe the other woman won’t be as attractive, or intelligent, or well educated, or successful, or [insert whatever you want in here], but she obviously has whatever it is I don’t.

And she will have a man’s affections, and I won’t.

There must be something about me that displeases, a gaping hole that everyone else seems to see which renders everything else inconsequential, and me, not worth the effort. A fault greater than my benefits.

All those positive traits everyone seem to think I have? What good are they? Men don’t seem to want kindness and love, their affections go towards those who use and abuse, treat them poorly, and withhold.

Maybe I could barter my traits away, one at a time, see what I could get for them, until they are all gone. I will have nothing left to offer, and then apparently be all the more attractive and worthwhile.

Happy Anniversary

Since one person already assumed, just to clarify, when I said I am not currently interested in pursuing random men I was not implying I am looking for a woman. For those of you who have known me for a while (including the person who asked), you will remember that the last time I was with a woman it didn’t go quite so well. Have you forgotten?

Yes, there was a time I decided I no longer wanted to have anything to do with men, ever again. Coincidentally a good friend of mine was feeling much the same way. We were both heartbroken, upset, angry, [keep inserting similar adjectives], and we were rather young. Actually, I was young, and she was even younger. Our judgement wasn’t at its best. We decided to give up men together and have a relationship.

We spent several months as a couple, except we overlooked the rather important fact that we were both really quite attracted to men, and not so much to each other. We had fun and went out a lot, but it was more akin to girls’ night out than actual dating. And our physical relationship often felt like a strange science experiment. We kept this going for about five months.

We didn’t really break up, but rather just gave up. A few weeks later she found a man to date. I must have appeared saddened by this because she offered to share him with me. For a few months we shared him, taking turns. She had Saturdays, I had Fridays, and so forth. He didn’t seem to mind and let us decide his schedule as we saw fit. We rarely all went out together, but oddly enough on those occasions me and her were more interested in each other than in him. He didn’t seem to mind that either, just left us to our own devices as we chattered and squealed about who knows what for hours.

Then one night she slept with him, and then I didn’t want him anymore. I didn’t want either of them. I was unrightfully angry and felt hurt. Somewhere inside of me I assumed we would all just keep going out like that forever and nothing would happen. I know it sounds ridiculous now, but at the time it somehow made sense to me. I mean, I knew the reality of the relationship I was in, but when faced with it so starkly, it stung more than I could have anticipated. And this, coupled with another emotion – why did he want to sleep with her and not me? What was wrong with *me*?

I felt betrayed, which in turn made her feel guilty. Neither of us knew how to handle these emotions, especially because they were irrational. She didn’t do anything wrong, and had nothing to feel guilty for, hence her confusion. As for me, well, what did I expect?

We didn’t speak to each other again for a long time. The man in question is long gone, but me and her are still very good friends. It just took years of repair. And if I ever get upset over how complicated a relationship with a man is, I just recall my time with a woman. I think she does the same, and has also kept to the men part of things. In fact I will be her bridesmaid next weekend as she marries a very nice man.

I guess that is what got me thinking of her. On this evening, several years ago, she was my bridesmaid. Happy anniversary to me….