Author Archives: Christene

I Don’t Like Pants

In case you didn’t know, I don’t like pants. If you do know, then this post comes as no surprise.

In fact, if you have ever even met me, you would know this about me as I make it a point to announce my disdain for the clothing item from the beginning. “Hi, I’m Christene. I don’t like pants. How are you?” Just like that.

It is then no wonder that my children have also caught on to this. Unfortunately they are not fully immersed in this whole socialization thing, so they don’t quite understand that even though we don’t like pants, we still kind of have to wear them. Especially in public.

My daughter is *still* not potty trained. At this point I am just waiting for society to shame her into it, because I have clearly gone wrong somewhere. She knows how to use the potty, has done so in the past, but for whatever reason absolutely refuses to do it on a regular basis. So I took away her diapers, put her in regular underwear, and hope the discomfort helps her figure it out.

The only thing she has figured out is how to change herself. But not all the way. She will remove her soiled clothes, clean herself off, put on new underwear, but no pants. Ever. I asked, and she shrugged, replying something along the lines of “why bother?”

Despite the fact that I am notorious for not wearing pants around the house, I think I am going to have to implement a new pants rule, and actually follow it myself. No one within the parameters of my home can remove their pants for prolonged periods of time. There. Done. Pants wearing shall commence. And pantlessness shall be punished with time-outs and solitary confinement.

So basically, as soon as I get home tonight, I am going straight to my room.

8 Things

So there is this trend on Facebook where people are posting lists of random facts about themselves. Aside from learning things about my friends, I enjoy creating these lists because they get me thinking about myself as in “what do others not know?” or “what don’t I ever explore?” Um… considering I blog about everything, not much. So I dredged up a few things that some people know, but others may not. Quirky? Maybe.

1. I don’t like symmetry. I don’t like things that match. I like off-center art, and don’t buy sets of identical things.

2. I enjoy my time alone more than I enjoy company. Sorry y’all.I love you, but in increments.

3. I use the Socratic method to come to conclusions or decide on things, except in a bizarre way. I won’t know what to do so I talk it out with myself, asking questions. I answer myself. I have yet to come to any good conclusions.

4. Winter is my favorite season.

5. I leave on a whim quite often.  Once I wanted ice cream, and drove all the way up to the Bay Area to get it (Fenton’s Creamery). Had ice cream. Drove back down.

6. I don’t like receiving flowers. I don’t like being given something that is simultaneously dead and continually dying. Keep the flowers and get me a cup of coffee.

7.  I don’t like it when people cry. It freaks me out, and as if I wasn’t socially awkward enough, what am I supposed to do about this?? If it is my fault I can apologize, but really I prefer we just talk. If I didn’t have anything to do with why they are crying… then I am really uncomfortable and confused.

8. Silly things get me very excited. I like all silliness.

Seduced Yet?

When I found all of my family pictures that I had posted a few months ago, I also found a small collection of my mother from almost forty years ago, in various sultry poses, beautifully and artistically done. I was very happy to see her in that way, and glad she kept them. So I decided to create a similar collection for my own daughter, for when she grows up.

My friend and I were messing around with a camera trying to replicate the pose in the rendering above, which is supposed to be rather seductive (I am sure there are people who will disagree). It looks simple enough. Put a string of beads in your mouth, partly close your mouth, and take a picture. Right?

Somehow I managed to almost swallow the bead necklace, nearly gag on it, break the chain, ingest several beads, almost choke on them, spill beads all over the floor, and bite my lower lip.

According to my friend, at one point I started waving my hand in front of myself much like a cat when it washes its face. So basically I looked like a cat having a spasm. Are you seduced yet?

Because if not, I could always pelt you with plastic pearls. That’ll do it! Nothing is quite as sexy as a woman spitting out cheap jewelry.

Far from sultry, the proper response to watching me do this would have been “Ma’am, are you alright? Do you need medical attention?”
And I am still finding beads in my hair.
I think for my next attempt I will recreate one of my mother’s photos. She had very long dark hair, and the photo was taken from behind as she is looking over her shoulder. She is undressed except for a sheet draped loosely around her waist.
All I have to do is stand still and look over my shoulder. I can’t possibly screw this up.