Lonely Memories

Not long after I got home I felt so lonely tonight, it was unbearable. I lay on my bed, thinking sleep would come and tomorrow would be better. There is always something to look forward to tomorrow. But laying on my bed made the loneliness that much more striking.

Then I started wishing the man I want was next to me. I miss him. But there is nothing I can do about that. At some point (hopefully soon), I can just force myself to stop thinking about him, stop fantasizing about what might have been, stop trying to figure out what I did wrong.

I remember the night things ended. I had spent all day yelling at him via text. Oddly enough, even as I continue feeling as though I had done something wrong, I don’t regret saying what I did. I needed to say those things. That evening Sean was around, and I asked him to come out with me. We went out for drinks. He hadn’t replied yet, but I am not stupid. I knew what was coming. And before morning it came.

But it wasn’t my text tirade that did it. Most men are used to that sort of thing occasionally. In fact, by most standards, I am pretty mellow. There must have been something else about me that just didn’t suit him. And that is the part I can’t change. I can apologize for angry texts, but there is no apology for the way I am. This is it. This is what he gets. Take it or leave it. And he left.

It has been a while, and he probably has someone else. As much as I think about him, I try not to think about that. It leads to all sorts of useless thought paths. I just think of him as he was with me.

There must have been a time when he wanted me the way I wanted him. Why else would he have stayed so long? No other explanation makes sense. I still wonder if he thinks about me. Maybe sometimes. Maybe not at all. If ever, I wonder if they are happy memories. I think I brought him joy at one point.

Our relationship was far from normal, but it sort of worked. It would probably work a lot better now. A day late and a dollar short. We didn’t have a compatibility issue (at least not one I was aware of), but seemed to have a massive communication issue. Neither of us communicated very well. Ever. I mean, we talked about things. We talked about so many things. I guess that is one of the things I miss. But I think we both had different ideas about what the other wanted. At least that is the way it sounded. Except I think we both kind of wanted the same thing, just phrased differently, if at all.

One of the things I think he wanted I couldn’t give him at the time. It took him leaving for me to do what I had been too scared to do before. And then it was done, but he was gone. As for the other things he may have wanted? I don’t think I will ever know. And hopefully one day I will stop speculating.


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