I have always believed in God. It was the way I was raised. He is just something I have known all my life, never questioning His existence, or denying my faith. But I did not grow up religious per se. My grandparents would take me to church on a regular basis when I was very little and living with them. But once I started living with my parents we only went to church for the important holidays, and as the years passed the holidays became fewer and fewer. I have not gone to a church for religious purposes (I am not counting the Notre Dame, Vatican or any other such structures) in over a decade (I am excluding other people’s weddings, baptisms, etc.)
It is not so much that I don’t believe in God, but simply that I don’t believe in Him the way others do. He is there, but I have never really been sure of what He does. Today one of my friends, in an attempt to make me feel better about everything that has happened this month, told me that this is God’s way of giving me strength. I know she meant well, and I thanked her for her sentiments. But I did have to ask, if God gives you everything, and He is the one responsible for my many other positive attributes, many of which I was simply born with, then why could He not simply just give me strength if He wanted me to have it? She told me that we should not question His intentions and that there is a reason for everything. I completely agree with there being a reason for everything – I have my own way of interpreting this, and even though it is not biblical/religious, I don’t think me and her would diverge too much in the way we conceptualize this belief. But intention? What being would ever intend these things? I understand misfortune, but I have always seen it as a byproduct, not as an end. And yes, again, I have read the stories, but I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that people continue to believe such sadistic behavior is not only acceptable, but worship worthy and unquestionable. I have to admit I was becoming slightly snippety with her, so she curtly informed me my strength is a gift from God and I should not look a gift horse in the mouth.
I should start praying for a gift receipt.