Category Archives: tired

Spinning Only Once More

I cope in distractions. When there are too many stressors I find solace in my head and it works each time. When I finish dedicating hours to my thoughts, time has passed, and things have changed. Time elides. Last night I was restless, and by all accounts this morning I should have been exhausted. But instead I have indefatigable energy.

It is finals week, and everything is due. The end is not just in sight, but has arrived. When I awoke this morning I was gripped with an unfathomable thrill. The panic is gone, wiped away with the time spent on analyzing poetry last night. I am too ecstatic to say I am calm. But it is a different kind of calm. There is no more studying I can possibly do. I have rewritten my paper enough times. I have worked on my projects to the best of my abilities. Que sera sera.

Just a few more days, measured out in scanty hours, and the performance can end. Just one more show that has been endlessly, pedantically rehearsed. And then I can stop spinning, spinning, spinning, and let myself be dizzy with happiness and relief.

I can begin acclimating to a new schedule containing many hours of free time, as they are already being allotted out. I have time for endless thoughts but right now, none for being tired.

So Sleepy

19 months. That is how long since I have slept for more than one night. 19 months is a long time. Sometimes I try not to think about it. But I am so tired. So, so tired. I have had my moments and have managed a night or two in between, but never anything regular that lasts. I used to think it was because I was pregnant, and pregnant women apparently don’t sleep. Except this wasn’t my first pregnancy, and I slept fine the first time around. Then the baby came, and Ducky was a handful. The first three weeks I had to stay up with him twenty four/ seven. I lay on the couch with him all night upright so he wouldn’t scream and wake up his sister. Once he was in his bassinet he was still waking up ever half an hour. Then he started sleeping in longer stretches (except when he is sick, then he screams bloody murder all night). But even when he is down, I am up.
Tonight I was going to work on something, but I told myself I would be in bed instead since I had no time to finish. I am obviously not in bed. I have to be up in a few hours, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I am up. I am like a little kid waiting to go to Disneyland tomorrow. Except I am going to my theory class instead. And I am probably not supposed to get this excited about Kant.¬†Except, have you seen his writings? I think I am getting a little excited just writing about him.

If I am going to stay up all night I should probably be working on my presentation on Feminism. Except I have nothing to say that they want to hear. Of all the topics I could have been given, someone decided that since I am a woman I would want to write about Feminism. Apparently men are suppressing women in literature. Somewhere. There is this looming maleness in the great abyss oppressing women. My presentation thus far?

WHERE? Who is oppressing you? I want names and dates!

Clearly I am off to a good start….

So, yeah, I am not going to Disneyland. I am going to the happy place in my head, which is way better. Maybe a little scary, and I would totally invite all of you to join me, except you will probably run away screaming. Ok, no more of this. I promise I will go back to writing about baby stuff soon. In fact, here is a wonderful article I wrote just a few days ago about baby food making.

Maybe if I go lay in bed and stare at the ceiling long enough I will fall asleep. Wish me luck.