Category Archives: spider

Dear Mr. Spider

Dear Mr. Spider,

It has come to my attention that you have taken up residence in my bedroom. I would love to serve you with an eviction notice, but I can’t seem to find you. In fact, the only indications of your existence are the small bites you inflict on me each night. While I appreciate that you think I am delicious, I must say your little feasts are rather inconvenient.

Since I can’t exterminate… er, I mean evict you without first seeing you, I would like to offer some culinary suggestions. You have now been eating Bits of Christene for the better part of this week, and while it may be rather delectable, as a good hostess I wouldn’t want you to get bored, and will thus direct your attention to the blonde lady next door.

You will immediately notice she is far more plump than me, which I am sure translates to “more delicious.” Secondly, and not quite as immediately apparent, her scent indicates a cornucopia of products, including luxury lotions and soaps with exotic names like “Cinnamon Swirl Ecstasy” and “Chocolate Bliss Shimmer.” I mean, she is practically marinating herself over there. Surely this is far more enticing than my bare skin. I know “organic” is all the rage these days, but you get plenty of wholesome goodness from the critters you catch in your web. So live a little.

I know you are tiny, and the lady next door is quite possibly an entire day’s trek for you, if not more, but your life is short and this may be your only opportunity to expand your palette.

So, good luck, and bon appetit!

P.S. Should you choose to ignore my well intentioned suggestions, I must warn you, your life is in peril.

The Spider

This morning as I was getting Ducky dressed, a spider started crawling on him. We both got scared. He jumped up, and started pointing. I started panicking and screaming. We then started jumping around, as I am trying to get him to shake it off. But then I was afraid the spider would land on me so I ran across the room. He didn’t know how to get it off himself since one and a half year old boys aren’t exactly known for their coordination skills. Apparently neither are thirty year old women.
As we are jumping around and squealing Munchie walks in and asks what is going on:
Munchie: What is going on mommy?
Me: I am trying to get a spider off of Ducky!
Munchie: He is over there mommy *pointing at her brother*
Me: Yes hunny, but I am trying to get the spider off of him from over here…
After more commotion Hubby walks in, as I am pelting my son with stuffed animals and attempting to enlist my daughter to help. (That mother of the year award is bound to arrive any day now. I am sure it just got lost in the mail).
Then Ducky starts running towards the door. So now I have a moving target. But that is okay, I live in Simi Valley. Which is like Texas. We all have great aims. I am pretty sure that was a requirement for moving into the neighborhood.
By now I was sure the spider was had gotten off of him. You know what is way more scary than seeing a spider? Not knowing where the spider went. I walk down the hallway as if I am navigating a mine field. Luckily I have light colored floors. (When I redid our floors I had spiders in mind). I thought I saw something moving towards the den area. I was thinking about throwing a shoe at it, but by now both the kids had migrated towards the den. For those of you who have never seen my shoes, they are not really get-hit-in-the-head friendly. So I did what any rational woman would do, and briefly contemplated burning the house down. Spider would never get out in time! Then sanity kicked in again.
So now, aside from the college fund I created for the kids, I will also have to build a therapy fund. For when they turn thirty and start remembering all the things Mommy did.