Dear Mr. Spider,

It has come to my attention that you have taken up residence in my bedroom. I would love to serve you with an eviction notice, but I can’t seem to find you. In fact, the only indications of your existence are the small bites you inflict on me each night. While I appreciate that you think I am delicious, I must say your little feasts are rather inconvenient.

Since I can’t exterminate… er, I mean evict you without first seeing you, I would like to offer some culinary suggestions. You have now been eating Bits of Christene for the better part of this week, and while it may be rather delectable, as a good hostess I wouldn’t want you to get bored, and will thus direct your attention to the blonde lady next door.

You will immediately notice she is far more plump than me, which I am sure translates to “more delicious.” Secondly, and not quite as immediately apparent, her scent indicates a cornucopia of products, including luxury lotions and soaps with exotic names like “Cinnamon Swirl Ecstasy” and “Chocolate Bliss Shimmer.” I mean, she is practically marinating herself over there. Surely this is far more enticing than my bare skin. I know “organic” is all the rage these days, but you get plenty of wholesome goodness from the critters you catch in your web. So live a little.

I know you are tiny, and the lady next door is quite possibly an entire day’s trek for you, if not more, but your life is short and this may be your only opportunity to expand your palette.

So, good luck, and bon appetit!

P.S. Should you choose to ignore my well intentioned suggestions, I must warn you, your life is in peril.