Author Archives: Christene

My History

Before dinner with Tanya I spent the day at my mom’s house. While her and the kid played in the pool I looked through some of my dad’s old stuff. I found all of these photographs, some of which were taken almost 60 years ago. I saw my parents like I had never seen them before. I started taking photos of the photos. Most of them are black and white and fuzzy, and others were glued inside a laminate of sorts. These were a bit more difficult to take pictures of, especially with the glare from the plastic (I was holding the pictures at all different angles trying to minimize this).But you have no idea how exciting this was!

These are in no particular order, and a lot of them didn’t have any date on them, so these are my best estimates of when the photos were taken.

My dad… sometime in the mid to late 70’s.

My mom around the same time.
My mom in the mid to late 60’s. No, she is not in the nude she is just wearing a light colored bathing suit.

This one comes from the same set.

Late 60’s, early 70’s?
Same time period. This was my parent’s first apartment after they got married. I never saw this apartment, but I have walked past the building where it is.
My grandparents from my dad’s side. This was taken in the apartment I grew up in until I was about 6.
My dad, mom, and a lady I don’t recognize (left). Sometime in the 70’s?
This picture is very faded, but it is a very sweet picture. From the background it was taken at my grandparent’s house. My aunt probably took it. I have no clue what decade.
The 70’s?
This was him in 1958.
Early 60’s.
I remember taking this picture of my dad at the Hollywood Bowl in 1993. We used to live right down the street and take a walk around the bowl every weekend.
Me, playing in the sandbox. I think I was about 3 or 4.
I was about 4 or 5.
My first birthday with my dad and my aunt. I know there are two candles in the cake, but that had to do with some sort of religious ceremony thing. That cake ended up on top of my head as part of this ceremony. (Something about bread breaking). There are pictures of my aunt breaking this cake, and me screaming bloody murder. I am not posting those pictures.
I think I was about 2 in this picture. I have a similar one at my own house, so this wasn’t so much a discovery.
My mom (far left), with some friends. Late 70’s.
My dad (the little boy in the picture), with my aunt and my grandparents. Judging by their age, this must have been taken in the mid 40’s.
Me with my dad and grandparents. If you pay attention to the background of this picture, and the background of one of the first pictures in this post, you will notice that their apartment hadn’t changed in about 35 years. Also, I was there less than 10 years ago. It still looks the same.

Lonely Memories

Not long after I got home I felt so lonely tonight, it was unbearable. I lay on my bed, thinking sleep would come and tomorrow would be better. There is always something to look forward to tomorrow. But laying on my bed made the loneliness that much more striking.

Then I started wishing the man I want was next to me. I miss him. But there is nothing I can do about that. At some point (hopefully soon), I can just force myself to stop thinking about him, stop fantasizing about what might have been, stop trying to figure out what I did wrong.

I remember the night things ended. I had spent all day yelling at him via text. Oddly enough, even as I continue feeling as though I had done something wrong, I don’t regret saying what I did. I needed to say those things. That evening Sean was around, and I asked him to come out with me. We went out for drinks. He hadn’t replied yet, but I am not stupid. I knew what was coming. And before morning it came.

But it wasn’t my text tirade that did it. Most men are used to that sort of thing occasionally. In fact, by most standards, I am pretty mellow. There must have been something else about me that just didn’t suit him. And that is the part I can’t change. I can apologize for angry texts, but there is no apology for the way I am. This is it. This is what he gets. Take it or leave it. And he left.

It has been a while, and he probably has someone else. As much as I think about him, I try not to think about that. It leads to all sorts of useless thought paths. I just think of him as he was with me.

There must have been a time when he wanted me the way I wanted him. Why else would he have stayed so long? No other explanation makes sense. I still wonder if he thinks about me. Maybe sometimes. Maybe not at all. If ever, I wonder if they are happy memories. I think I brought him joy at one point.

Our relationship was far from normal, but it sort of worked. It would probably work a lot better now. A day late and a dollar short. We didn’t have a compatibility issue (at least not one I was aware of), but seemed to have a massive communication issue. Neither of us communicated very well. Ever. I mean, we talked about things. We talked about so many things. I guess that is one of the things I miss. But I think we both had different ideas about what the other wanted. At least that is the way it sounded. Except I think we both kind of wanted the same thing, just phrased differently, if at all.

One of the things I think he wanted I couldn’t give him at the time. It took him leaving for me to do what I had been too scared to do before. And then it was done, but he was gone. As for the other things he may have wanted? I don’t think I will ever know. And hopefully one day I will stop speculating.

 

Weekends, Dinners, Plans, and Maybe A Baby.

My weekend plans have been getting derailed for weeks now with something or other. This weekend I was supposed to be in Solvang. In case you are wondering, I am not. And I won’t be there next weekend either. In fact, I won’t be there until Labor Day weekend.

Then I have been trying to get together with friends for dinner. Hasn’t happened. I have been wanting to go to this lovely place down Melrose for some time now. Since no one else was able to join me, I just went by myself. The Colonial was amazing! I would post pictures, but honestly, how many pictures do you need of me having flatbreads and champagne? And it wouldn’t even be a picture of me, but of the table with the customary purse, flatbread, glass of champagne, and book. I am reading Julian Barnes’ Flaubert’s Parrot. The man never ceases to amaze me. Barnes that is, not Flaubert (who I enjoy, but cannot really say I am amazed by).

Anyway, for dessert I had a cheese plate. I didn’t know they had one, even though it would make perfect sense that they would, so I should have asked. The waiter saw how much I was enjoying my flatbread and asked if I wanted some cheese on the side. I nodded, he brought it over, and Oh my God! I think I may have moaned when I took my first bite. The few people sitting around me thought it was adorable, and I spent the next half an hour in cheese ecstasy. Oh…

Tomorrow night I am having dinner with Tanya (maybe), but I couldn’t bring her here. The “maybe” is because her baby is due today, so she may go into labor at any time. Unless the baby decides otherwise, we will have dinner tomorrow night, but very local to her house (just in case), hence why I could not bring her to The Colonial.

We email back and forth each day, but I still have a lot to tell her. Many things have taken place over the past couple of weeks that I can’t really blog about (which is driving me crazy!), so a nice sit down dinner with a friend will be a good thing. Not that I didn’t have a wonderful evening tonight, but talking with another person would be very nice.

I did talk to the nice couple sitting at the table next to me a for a bit. She asked me about my hair, which I told her was not actually my natural color (why do so many people assume this?), and then they showed me pictures of their daughter who lives in Tel Aviv. She has hair similar to mine, but naturally, and looks like a younger version of Nicole Kidman, and just as gorgeous.

I have never been to Tel Aviv, but I have known plenty of people who have, and they all told me it was wonderful. Maybe I will get to go one day.

In the meantime I will just worry about putting everything else into place.