Category Archives: decision

Practically Twitching…

Right around now people are beginning to hear back about graduate admissions. I have not heard anything yet from any of my schools, and my immediate friends have not either. As soon as applications were submitted I knew it was just a matter of waiting, and pushed it all out of my mind, being reminded of it only when technical problems arose. In fact, just a few days ago one of my schools lost my letters of recommendation and I had to contact all three of my letter writers asking them to resubmit. At least it is not just me, and the same things have been happening to numerous other friends, meaning I am not a complete idiot who can’t get applications right.

However, as the days pass it is getting harder and harder to not think about it, and the anticipation is making me rather jittery. As I compulsively check my email every five minutes I am practically twitching. I know sitting here and staring at my email, refreshing the page every little while won’t make it come any faster, but when it does, I will know immediately. I know all of my emails go directly to my phone, so I will hear it buzz as soon as something comes through, but just in case I don’t hear my phone I have set my email up on every single device available to me.

I told myself I wouldn’t do this. Two months ago as I was talking to people about it, I was so nonchalant. “Well, I sent them everything. It is out of my hands now. I will hear when I hear.” *Shrug* Everyone was impressed with my calm and collected demeanor. Some were even jealous at my mellowness. Oh, if only they could see me now! Oh wait, they do see me now. And they are doing the same thing.

In fact most conversation I have with friends nowadays start with “so, have you heard yet?” and others completely revolve around listing schools at each other. We go out to dinner just so we can talk about applications we have not heard back on, and torment ourselves by going online and visiting websites that list which schools have announced their decisions already.

Any day now.

A Chance Day

“The past is equated with fate. A single chance day may unavoidably alter the course of a lifetime, and what occurs after that day will never resemble what went before.”
-Goldie Morgentaler
Every action has consequences, but some are far more sever than others. While “consequence” has a rather negative connotations, (as does “sever,” but that is aside from my point) I am thinking of it in its pure form, as within a cause and effect chain, where one action causes another.
Some events operate in a chain, where seemingly small things cascade throughout a day. While these can sometimes have harsh consequences, the chain often ends at the end of the day. Maybe a week. And all can be forgotten.
Then there are those days in which nothing of consequence seems to occur. A mundane day, much like the many before, all bleeding into each other, indistinguishable except in name. It is usually on days like those that that minute events occur, unimportant decisions are made, which lead to lifelong changes in trajectory. You don’t always realize right away. It is not as if you wake up the next morning and suddenly realize what happened. No, time elapses, you push away unpleasant memories, or altogether naturally forget, and that is usually when you are reminded that there are always consequences, and for every action, there is an effect.
I can’t help thinking about all the decisions I have made in life, big and small, and how they effected me. Wondering if things would have been different if I had altered my path. The big important things are hard to forget, were often premeditated, and well thought out (or at least as well as I could think at the time). But it is the small things I wonder about. The things that seemed so unimportant at the time. Or the things which were so familiar, and similar to all other things I had done routinely. Once in a while the realization sets in right away. As if waking in the morning and asking “Oh, God what have I done?” And other times it can take years before you make that same exclamation, when the magnitude of everything sets in.
Ironically those realizations are of little consequence. Much like Cher, I cannot turn back time. Yet, unlike Cher, I am not trying to find a way. Even in the most horrific events there is good which can be found. It is there, waiting to be grasped at, highlighted. Yes, one mistake led to unwelcome circumstances, but then thinking about my life as a whole, none of the joy I have since had would have been, had I done anything differently. I would not be where I am today, in the capacity in which I exist, if I had ever followed a different path. Yes, a chance day made everything in my course of life possible. And to quote Edith Piaf, “non, je ne regrette rien.”