Category Archives: behavior

Bad Girls Get Everything

I have come to the realization that bad girls seem to get more out of life. I have often hidden all my naughtiness for fear of being persecuted or judged. I feel that if I want to advance my career, in lieu of a resume, I should just provide a list of my bad behavior, in public, private, and everything in between. The list below should be easy enough to follow, numbered for your convenience. At the bottom, I have also taken the liberty of including things I have not yet done, but am willing and able to do for [reasonable] compensation – a list constantly expanding and very much open to suggestion.

1. On the last day of high school Tanya and I ditched school to go watch a movie.

I don’t remember the movie, but I was disappointed that we didn’t get caught.

2. The last time I saw a musical on stage, Cats had just come out. I meowed for a month. In public.

3. I once slept with a man for the sole reason that he could recite Coleridge off the top of his head.

It was only coincidence that I was actually married to him at the time.

4. I can pole dance.

Not well. And not with the pole, but near the pole.

Ok, I can gyrate within the general vicinity of a pole.

There is a pole down the street from my house… I can bounce around in my kitchen… just put these two things together in your head.

5. I once received monetary compensation for writing someone’s term paper. They received an A in the course. In case ¬†you were wondering.

Also, I was seventeen at the time and the person was writing the paper in order to receive an MBA. This should tell you something about me, or them, their professor, or the standards of the academic institution they were attending. Take your pick.

I used the money from this enterprise as a coffee budget for the following year. I had my priorities.

6. I have worn the same shirt two days in a row. I was tired.

7. I once took my kids for a walk, got extremely dehydrated pushing the double stroller and drank their juice. Later they asked me for juice. I told them we left it at home.

8. I eat chocolate before bed. It makes me feel naughty.

Then I brush my teeth.

9. I once dated a man only because I knew it was against his religion. I was hell bent on making him cry. I did. Then I felt really bad. Crap.

10. When I was four years old I had a crush on the neighbor boy. He was nineteen, but very nice. He offered my parents to take me to the park, but forgot to mention his girlfriend would be joining us. I got jealous and threw sand at her. For an hour.

In my defense, he never told me he had a girlfriend.

11. I had a one night stand.

Then we got married and had two children.

12. I am totally into Courtney Stodden and Kim Kardashian. Yes, I follow along. Sometimes I like to dress like Kim.

13. One time at camp (I was about nine), I stumbled over my own feet and fell into a lake. I was too embarrassed to admit to it, so I told everyone I had seen it on Girls Gone Wild.

My parents were called in for a conference.

And here is the list of things I have not yet done, but willing to consider…. for the right cause.

1. Anything having to do with chocolate.

2. Anything having to do with George Clooney.

Preferably, we can combine numbers one and two.

3. I am willing to wear tacky jewelry, and speak with a Brooklyn accent.

4. I am willing to watch realty TV (depending on the show, my price may go up).

5. I am willing to watch sports in one hour increments (for an additional fee I can cheer and make snacks).

6. I can steal a car. If handed the keys.

I don’t drive Mustangs.

7. I can commit gerrymandering. You may not like the results.

8. For a certain price I will commit arson.

With an affidavit from the property owner stating this is OK.

9. I am willing to speed on the freeway.

No more than 80 mph.

10. I can provide an alibi for most crimes since I seem to be constantly at home.Writing ridiculous blog posts.

Learned Behavior

Tanya and I were at the mall and we went into Forever 21. As we were walking around she said “I remember being here with you before, and we were looking for the elevator, but I don’t remember why.” I reminded her it was because I had the kids with me in the double stroller and thus could not use the escalator. “Oh yeah! Your kids are so well behaved sometimes I don’t even notice they are there. I hope I get that kind of a kid.”

First of all, my kids certainly have their moments. By which I mean they can be little terrors. But yes, for the most part they are well behaved, quiet, and polite. Not to steal their thunder, but I think this has more to do with me than them. I have always thought a child’s behavior is reflection of the parent. I am not going to go as far as creating a dichotomy between “good” and “bad” parenting, but simply state that discipline comes from the parent, and behavior is indicative of said discipline. In other words, my kids know what they can and can’t get away with.

Of course there are those times when they are overly tired, or hungry, or something, and they just have an all out cry marathon regardless of where we are. But they are still very young and have difficulty controlling strong emotions. Nevertheless my daughter, who is now approaching three and a half, has started knowing better. She knows when she has a temper tantrum in public it is not alright. She also knows that if she has a temper tantrum in public we will leave immediately, and she will get a time out. Put these two things together and guess what you get? That right, less temper tantrums and more self control. My son is still a little too young, but he too is coming to understand that there are consequences for his actions. There are things we do, and there are things we don’t do. Period.

This does not mean that they will always get it right. This doesn’t mean I won’t give them hugs and kisses when they cry and try to make it better. I understand that some things can be overwhelming or frustrating for them. This does not mean that their individual personalities aren’t taken into consideration. But practice makes perfect. The more children are socialized, and realize what is appropriate, and what is unacceptable, the more prone they will be to get it right. Children want to please, especially their parents, so if they start understanding what type of behavior makes you happy, they will be more likely to do it. I am not going to go too much into the psychology or even methodology of this since there are numerous books out there, written by professionals, that outline this very issue, but I will say that behavior is learned. It takes time on your part, but the outcome is very much worth it.