Author Archives: Christene

Official Facilitator

Last night I made my way to my mom’s house and spent the night. It was late, and I didn’t want to drive again. I had a few friends over. He was inside taking care of some things on my mom’s computer, and me and his wife were outside having a typical girly conversation.

He comes back out while we were in the middle of a very important topic, and we then persuade him to go to the store and buy us more wine and chocolates, and maybe a few cupcakes. He grumbled at first, but could not argue with our flawless logic. You see, they are currently trying to have another child, and we convinced him that said wine and chocolates will help with this.
Him to Her: Where do you come up with these things?
Him to Me: *You* are an enabler!
That is when I realized that even though many consider me an enabler, I would much rather be thought of as an Official Facilitator of sorts. It was a brief epiphany, so I hadn’t yet worked out all of the details. Thinking about it some more I think I have devised a full title. Official Facilitator, Purveyor, and Instigator of all Nonsensical Supercilious Activity and Preposterous Ideas. I love it!
It sounds very officious and lends itself to airs of authority, most likely scented with mint julep. I will update my resume at once. While all the other stuff I do is certainly very important, I have been doing this for far longer, and who could argue with such an inscription? With a title like that everyone will have to take me seriously from now on. All the time.
I believe I have found my life’s calling.
I will immediately start signing my emails with my new title, and even have business cards printed. They will be specially cut to allow for the length of this name. Maybe I could even have it wrap around to the back. I will also have to create my own font. None of the existing ones speak to the supreme importance of Official Facilitator, Purveyor, and Instigator of all Nonsensical Supercilious Activity and Preposterous Ideas. I should hire someone to invent a new color for said font.
Before anyone even figures out what the Official Facilitator does, they will be bedazzled and/or overstimulated at just a glimpse of my lofty and perfectly symmetrical business card, followed up with some sort of official email sure to send anyone into a seizure.
Let’s see… email… resume… business cards… what am I missing? Online Profile? Webpage? A troupe of trumpeters to march around behind me in the event someone doesn’t realize I am the Official Facilitator, Purveyor, and Instigator of all Nonsensical Supercilious Activity and Preposterous Ideas?
While I think about all of that, I will also devise a list of official duties to be performed. The ambiguity of the title allows for many possibilities, so I am going to have to get back to you on this one. I did however find a mascot (featured above).
In the meantime, while I sort everything out, should you need an enabler, I will be here.
Sincerely,
Christene
Supreme Official Facilitator, Purveyor, and Instigator of all Nonsensical Supercilious Pretentious Activity and Preposterous Ideas

Pants Are Overrated

Pants are overrated. “What is this insanity?” you may be wondering. Well, hold on, because this is (or seems) like a valid point. If you are a man you will be very distressed to learn that pants really are not for you. If you are a woman, pants are even less for you. Now, before anyone makes any feminist statements, don’t worry, that is not where I am going with this.

I do not propose a relapse into the long dresses of the early nineteenth century. Modern apparel is appropriate. As for the men folk, kilts are perfectly suitable. Yes, kilts. If they are good enough for the British royal family, then I am sure you can make due. And as far as I am concerned, men would look far more attractive in kilts than pants. Think of all the accessories!

Pants, while fashionable, and appealing to some senses, are rather cumbersome. You may disagree and think jeans to be the epitome of casualness and comfort, but think about it for a second. How much easier would it be to not have to wear them? As I beat mine into submission each time I cannot help but wonder.

Yes, pants are in style, and they make sense in colder weather, but so do tights, or long socks. And while tights might be lumped in with the category of pants, they are stretchy, require no buckles, buttons, zippers or any other fastening paraphernalia. Long socks are even more versatile in that they allow for temperature adjustments and various adornments (should you be so inclined). The men could wear them with ribbons (again, should you be so inclined), and as for the women, well, knee high socks are pretty hot (example above).

Since the month of May I have only worn pants on rare occasions. If the things were not in style any longer, I would not miss them, nor would I begin wearing them again in the colder months. I only do so because it begins to get cooler outside, at times I get lazy, and they are an acceptable form of clothing. If it were not for the last part I would eschew them altogether and spend year long in dresses and tights.

As for men, tell me exactly what is wrong with the kilt, or simply tights? Men were wearing these for centuries. When did it become unacceptable? This is not a rhetorical question; I actually do not know.

 

Band Aid Addiction

I used to think children’s band aids were cute. When your little one got a scratch the pretty pictures on the band aids would distract them and in their heads make their cuts and scrapes heal faster.

My daughter is obsessed with them, and treats them like stickers. She constantly asks for band aids and at one point was covered by so many that people would assume I was negligent and allowing her to get hurt several times a day. In reality there were no cuts or scrapes, but I indulged her each time she would ask for one.
I recently stopped this practice for exactly the above reason.
Last night she asked me for a band aid for her finger. I looked at her finger and told her there was nothing on it. She continued and said it hurts. I kissed it and hoped that would be the end of that.
She insisted her finger was cut even as I continued reassuring her there was no cut on her finger and therefore she does not need a band aid. I know this reads redundantly. That is because it was. We went back and forth like this for a good fifteen minutes.

Then…

Her: So I don’t get a band aid if I don’t have a cut?
Me: Exactly. We save the band aids for when you have a real boo boo.
She walked over to the counter, grabbed a pen and sliced her finger. Oh my God! WHAT THE HELL??
I just stared at her. No clue what to say.
Yes, we had a long talk about this later in the evening. But…P.S. In case you are wondering, the pen was one of those fine point metal ones that don’t require much pressure to puncture skin.

P.P.S. My daughter is fine.