A Letter to Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,
This morning I heard one of your songs on the radio. I have to tell you, you are starting to creep me out. Don’t take this the wrong way, let me explain. I think you are great. I have to admit, your music is not my style, but that doesn’t mean you are not talented. You are an extremely talented young lady, and I urge you to make the most use of your talent. Somewhere else. You have a very lovely voice, but your lyrics are starting to concern me.
When you first made it big you were in your teens and singing about fairy tales and first crushes which was not just acceptable but expected. And actually rather refreshing. I saw your performance on some award show back then (honestly I don’t remember which one), and I thought “Awwww…. She is adorable!” And your remained adorable for several more years.
Then this morning I heard this:
We hadn’t seen each other in a month
When you said you need space… What?
When you come around again and say
“Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change.
Trust me.”
Remember how that lasted for a day?
I say “I hate you,” we break up, you call me…
I love you.
Ooh, we called it off again last night but
Ooh, this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you…
Chorus:
We are never ever ever… getting back together
Like, ever.
Ughhh… So he calls me up, and he’s like, “I still love you,
and I’m like, I mean this is exhausting. You know, like
we are never getting back together. Like, ever.
 
Um…. I vaguely remember talking like that when I was about ten. In fact I remember the exact incident. This cute boy in my class kept borrowing my crayons, but would forget to return them. Each time he would promise he will bring it right back. Then one day, as I was running in short supply and I absolutely needed that periwinkle to complete my drawing, I marched over to his desk, took my crayon back and yelled “you can’t borrow my crayons anymore. LIKE EVER!” I broke off our crayon based relationship forever. I am sure he was devastated.
The problem is, you are not ten anymore. Please stop singing as if you were. This is the equivalent of those fifty year old women who still dress like they are fifteen. It doesn’t work for them, and it is not really going to work for you. I understand your current demographic is a hoard of twelve year old girls that share the above sentiments, in those words precisely, but again, you have some talent going for you. From what I have heard you say in interviews, you are a pretty smart cookie. I am going to tell you right now, you are going to get tired of this. Really tired. And when you do, you are going to get depressed. So save yourself the wrist slashing, alcohol induced stupor, and celebrity rehab bookings.
Also, I am the last person who should be giving anyone relationship advice, but really? Are the above lyrics what your relationships have amounted to? You might want to think about that.
I know you have been at this for a while, and habits are sometimes hard to break. In lieu of advice, I am going to offer an example. Maybe not the best example, but let’s focus on baby steps. Let’s look at Katy Perry. Her music isn’t really my style either, but I love her lyrics (with some exceptions).
Her newest song came out not too long ago. Katy seems to know what is going on:
I’m wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I’m wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong
I’m wide awake
And now it’s clear to me
That everything you see
Ain’t always what it seems
I’m wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long
(Pre-Chorus)
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up
On the concrete
 
Katy just got out of a relationship too, and granted hers was a rather interesting divorce and not some coloring book drama, she is looking at it from a different perspective. Honestly, I feel as though your sentiments are the same. Both of you learned something. But, Taylor, maybe you should learn a little bit more. So next time you are writing your lyrics, let’s try channeling Katy. Once you have mastered that, we will move on to something a bit more difficult, like Tina Dico. Because if you can write lyrics like Tina, with your voice and reputation, you will become a classic. People will be listening to your music forty years from now. But again, baby steps one at a time. No one expects you to become Tina over night.
Oh, and I know you love wearing those red dresses. Great choice. You look fabulous!
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