I was bored last night and started reading some beauty magazines online. It appears a problem a large part of the female population is having (and men might be having this problem as well, but I don’t know) has to do with the fullness of hair. I don’t necessarily mean amount of hair, but rather volume, or poofiness, or whatever it is  you want to call it. This is unfortunate for two reasons.

First, I have never had this problem. In fact, I believe I have too much hair, and at times my shedding gets out of control. I have friends who will testify that after I leave their homes they have to vacuum, at times even insinuating that I may be the reason they have to replace their vacuum cleaners so often. I am skeptical of such accusations, but I have to admit if I as much as shake my head in your direction you will be covered in a thin layer of red hair. So the last thing I need is more hair, or the appearance of it.

Which brings me to the second reason this is unfortunate (that is basically just an extension of the first reason, and really not much of a second reason at all). Because so many articles are dedicated to making women’s hair more poofy, there are less articles out there for women who have other issues. I would love to read an article on how to apply make-up to camouflage  the fact that I have only had two hours of sleep and my eyes look like I could use an ice bag. Where is *that* article, Elle?

Cosmo, put down the curlers and hair ties and tell me how smiles work. Because if you have seen my pictures lately, I look terrified in like 90% of them. This can’t just be a me thing. Right? No?… okay fine. Y’all can look glamorous in all your photos while I look like a goblin just jumped out of my coffee. I’m okay with this.

Speaking of which, Glamour, can we stop with the dry shampoo for a second and spend some time investigating mascara that doesn’t make you twitch? I am beginning to think my sight would be much better if I wasn’t continuously poking myself in the eye.

And maybe I would also stop seeing goblins in my coffee.

And In Shape, instead of focusing on how to maintain poofy hair while taking a jog, how about an article about actual running paraphernalia that finds me a pair of running shoes which don’t have a three months breaking in period? I would like to walk around without a limp again sometime soon.

Since every major brand of magazine wants to tell me what hair style is currently in style (read: everything poofy), perhaps In Style can focus on updating my wardrobe and accessories. The 80’s and 90’s have long departed, except in my closet because I was too busy teasing my hair to notice.

So while everyone else is trying to reinstate the afro, I really think we could deal with other, more important issues in the fashion industry. Like how to successfully wear sunglasses without getting that stupid little tan line on your nose.

Or at the very least how to find a concealer for said tan line. Hrm?