Foolproof Dating

lovebirds

I recently read Bridget Jones’ Diary. Ok, skimmed, because I don’t actually have time to read anything right now that is not directly related to what I am working on. But in my skimming I realized what Bridget was doing wrong in her romantic life, and since I am always super helpful and full of great ideas, I have compiled a list of dating strategies to hopefully prevent other women from making the same mistakes. And considering most of my exes have not yet wished me death, I am obviously quite the relationship guru so the following tips are practically foolproof.

Men don’t like wishy-washy women. They can’t read your mind and want to know where you stand. On the first date show up in a wedding dress. Let him know you mean business. Then, should he still be there later, instead of asking him the same old questions every other woman has asked on the first date, be original and have him pick out invites. Men love being involved in the decision making process.

Don’t hesitate to show him your nurturing, motherly side. When the food arrives (providing he hasn’t left yet), cut it up for him and, if possible, spoon feed him. Depending on the face he makes as you jam a fork full of green beans into his mouth, pick out an appropriately cute nickname for him. From then on publicly refer to him using only his nickname.

During dessert (if he is still there), take the opportunity to practice feeding each other cake for your upcoming ceremony. Men like it when women are being cute, so add some airplane sounds as your fork goes towards him (a tip that can also be integrated in the preceding step while you feed him his dinner). Depending on the face he makes this time, refer to the nicknames above.

If he hasn’t already run out the door after dessert, order a few drinks and let him see that you have a light and fun side by getting completely drunk. Your slurred words will be adorable, and keep in mind men like it when women do cute things, so feel free to fall out of your chair as many times as you see fit. Then offer to practice your first dance in the middle of the restaurant even though there is no music playing. In fact, make your own – that is why they give you all the extra silverware (there is no such thing as a salad fork).  This will demonstrate your adventuresome side. You are up for anything!

Later, as you stumble towards the bathroom, if he is not sneaking out through the kitchen yet, make sure to trip over your train a few times giving him the opportunity to come to your rescue. Men love practicing chivalry. Bonus points if you get both of you kicked out of the restaurant at this point, and if so, have him carry you to the car just like he will over the threshold after your wedding next Saturday afternoon. By the way, did he pick the invites yet?

Once your nose is powdered and your bustle is properly adjusted, should you still be allowed inside the establishment, return to the table and interrogate him on his feelings towards you. If he pauses in between words, quickly follow up with “what are you thinking right now?” to help guide him along. Sometimes men need a little help and you definitely want to show him how helpful you can be.

However girls, don’t settle for half of a commitment. If he is not sufficiently enamored with you, make him realize what a catch you are by ordering another drink and going home with the bus boy. Men love competition.

But don’t wait up for him to call. Once at home, remove your pre-wedding gown and go to bed. If he doesn’t call you immediately the next day to proclaim his undying love for you, just realize he wasn’t good enough for you to begin with and you could totally do better.

Because it is not you. It is him. Always.

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