When things started to fall apart at home I practically got the sledgehammer out to help it along. I wanted to make sure no one would rebuild anything. I burned the remains and salted the ground.
Satisfied I went to rebuild myself. Everything started falling into place. New career path. New visions. Redefining family. June was a trying month, good and bad.
I needed time to myself, so I went on a trip to San Francisco that I had originally planned as a birthday surprise in August. Shortly after I conceived the idea there was no longer a reason for it. Now as everything else was calming down, and I began accepting everything, I decided I would go anyway. Leave it to me to go to the city that reminds me most of him in order to try to forget him. I am a genius, and obviously that was a brilliant idea. Needless to say, it had the opposite effect.
Since I went over a month earlier than I had first intended, nothing was planned, and it was a haphazard trip, loosely strewn together at the last minute. Nevertheless the trip was a success in many other areas. I found myself, had an amazing time, and spent my days realizing what I want out of life. It was exhilarating to find how independent I can actually be. I have spent so long trapped within, I had forgotten what it was like.
Over a year ago, when things were barely coming apart, I had coffee with Sean. I told him I felt like I was being unhinged from the inside. He assured me that was a good thing. I didn’t understand, and he explained that when things, like a door, become unhinged, it gives you the opportunity to put it back together the right way.
I feel as though I have thrown out the door and drew up new blueprints altogether. Slowly but surely the drawing is becoming more clear, and once done, I can build.