Category Archives: Uncategorized

A New Bra

This isn’t really a post, I just want to tell you all about my new bra. I finally splurged and bought the ridiculously expensive bra I have been eyeing for a while. It is amazing! Aside from the fact that it does exactly what it was advertised to do, it is also very pretty making the dressing process every morning exponentially more exciting. Each time I get ready to put on my blouse I feel like a kid about to go to Disneyland. Yes, it is that wonderful. Since it is an undergarment and will be concealed, the ribbons and lace are simply fanfare for me to enjoy as I have now taken to bouncing around for a bit before getting dressed. Why don’t they make shirts like this? Why is this wonderfulness only relegated to items I can’t display?

I was talking to a friend about it the other day and she made the point that it looks great, but it is still not a permanent change; the fascination is only present when I am wearing the bra. I have to agree with her, but who would ever know the difference? It is not like anyone is going to investigate my fraudulent enhancements. Not to mention that for anyone who has ever seen me before, the change will be immediately perceived. You would have to be blind not to notice. Especially as I am thrusting my upper torso into your face, because oh my God they are so pretty, LOOK! Yes, just like that. OK, maybe not *just* like that, but you get the idea.

Besides, Tanya has become accustomed over the years to my attempts at shoving cleavage in her face. She does not appreciate it, but has nevertheless grown callous to my seemingly inexplicable desire to expose myself to her. She simply walks away shaking her head at me. She has not seen it yet, but I can imagine her reaction as I greet her with a shimmy and bounce… “Down girl!”

In an attempt to calm myself I shall expand my energy elsewhere. I think this calls for some dancing in the kitchen so my cats can bask in the glory of my new bra. If anything they will be hypnotized by all the ribbon and perhaps plot against it while I sleep.

P.S. Yes, those awkward flailing motions I make are to be considered dancing.

Somethingville

Every morning there are numerous notifications on my phone from Facebook friends inviting to me to play different games. I don’t play video games of any kind, but I am not oblivious to what they are about, which is why I can’t bring myself to play any of them. Most FB games end with the word “ville” eliciting memories of the popular game SimCity (another thing I never got into).

These games are not so much games as they are simulations of (real) life. Seriously, in each one of these you create a character that is very much like you (if you happened to look like a cartoon character), and you move your little person around performing the same tasks you would in real life. You walk your dog, feed your fish (if you are kind, you feed your neighbor’s fish as well), you plant your garden, cook dinner, go to the store, talk to your friends, etc. I don’t have a dog, of fish, but if I did, they would be walked and fed respectively. I do cook dinner, go to the store, and if I had the slightest inclination, would have at some point planted a garden. None of this is particularly fantastic, or even slightly interesting. Yet thousands of people play them religiously, and judging by the timestamps when the requests were made, they do so in the middle of the night. I take this to mean that after having performed all of these mundane tasks throughout the day people log onto their computers at night to virtually perform all of them again.

As I mentioned, I have never been into video games, but I do understand the concept of playing them as a method of escape. It is no different than my reading a work of fiction to unwind for an hour or two. I just don’t understand how people unwind by “escaping” into a parallel universe where they essentially repeat the things they already do.

I thought that maybe they create lives that they wished they lived, but what I found (from asking a few people who enjoy said games) is that really there is no greater purpose. There is no winning, except if you consider keeping your alter self alive as a win. There is no end, you simply continue playing and existing in the video game realm. There is basically no greater raison d’etre except as a distraction. If you know me, you know I love distractions. Nothing feels better after a long day (especially if it was particularly rough) then spacing out on Pinterest, or simply staring at the ceiling with music playing in the background. Yet I love these activities precisely for their ability to get me to stop thinking – about what happened that day, what will happen, or life in general. How can anyone forget real life when they emulate it all over again in a scarily true to reality virtual space? If anything I would think that playing these endless games that center around nothing more than keeping house, going to work, and running errands serve as brutal reminders of the futility of life.

That is exactly why I won’t play these games. This week I have already spent numerous hours at work, fed fifty cats, went to the grocery store half a dozen times or more, cooked, cleaned, went to the post office, and ironed my laundry. There is no part of this I would like to repeat in an online version. Simsville is just a complicated way of playing house, and now you have to become friends with your neighbors while compulsively rearranging your furniture every five seconds. Fishville is like owning cats if they were fish – you feed them, take care of every one of their needs, and they ignore you. Farmville is like spending all day in your back yard, should you have one, except instead of relaxing your are constantly working and never growing enough (a metaphor for life?). And I am not sure what Candy Crush is, but it sounds like something I would do to the candy in my mouth if I was in a bad mood.

I never in my life thought I would say this, but at least I can understand shooter games. There is a goal, something to look forward to achieving, and which typically either moves you up to the next level, or ends the game. Your little pixely guy needs to annihilate the other pixely guy, and if you accomplish your task you get a gold coin. Not to mention you get to pretend you are someone else, because I imagine most of us are not professional assassins. I don’t like it, but I understand it.

The “ville” games of today do not offer the same thing. Your biggest triumph is successfully completing a faux grocery run. You may not be attempting to achieve world domination, but you don’t even get to enjoy the small victories of getting a promotion at work, or earning a degree.

Creating a little mini me that lives a life no better or amusing than my own just seems incompressible as a method of entertainment. Don’t even get me started on the games where you take pictures of your real life friends and create avatars for your little person to interact with in the virtual world. I can’t be alone in saying “what the Hell??” I can even understand the novelty of it. Sure there have been times when I was curious, and almost created a little Christene avatar simply to see what it is like, but I am sure I would lose interest about five minutes in. At no point during my internet browsing do I want to do virtual vacuuming. If I wanted to interact with my friends, I would go out with them, and if they were unavailable, I would simply wait for them to become available again. I have no need to create the internet’s version of voodoo dolls and name them Tanya and Stephanie while freakishly posting pictures of them in my make-believe internet life that is suspiciously similar to my real life, except with fish and a back yard.

One person believes that creating the mini version of yourself online helps you regain some control since you are now in charge of your atmosphere and no longer at the whim of demands of real life. But from what I am gathering, that is exactly how these games work. Like the Tamagotchi friends of the 90’s, you spend the entirety of your free time feeding, entertaining, and otherwise maintaining this virtual being where you become a slave to its needs while it simultaneously reacts to the needs of its program. No one appears to be autonomous in this equation.

In fact, after a little bit of research it seems the entire purpose of these games is to give people more responsibilities to handle. Should you decide to live your actual real life one night and not log onto your computer, you will return to dead fish, a dying crop of blueberries, a highly depressed mini version of you, and a lot of pretend dirty dishes in the sink. Months of after-hours of play acting have been undone by only a few moments of neglect. My children could probably survive on their own longer than some of these virtual characters, thus breeding a dependency upon you which takes over your entire life. Maybe that is the point. You become so absorbed in your created online life that you actually stop living your real one in lieu of feeding pretend fish at night. Then you invite all of your friends to play, and instead of any human interaction everyone will play house by themselves with make-believe people that just highly resemble people that they used to know.

Fish

Polygamy

ironing1

I have never understand polygamy. I find the concept of several spouses quite confusing. I mean, what is a woman supposed to do with multiple husbands?

Isn’t one bad enough? Now you have several men trying to rule your life, telling you what you can and can’t do. Then you somehow become responsible for pleasing them. Each one comes with their own requirements and you must keep them in mind as you switch back and forth. Husband A likes it when you get dressed up, while Husband B prefers more natural looking women, and you haven’t yet figured out what Husband C wants. A is an engineer and expects you to hold conversations centered around the sciences, while B and C wish to discuss history and astrophysics respectively. One won’t eat fish, while the other is a vegetarian, and the third loves fried food.

You will be running yourself ragged maintaining several wardrobes that you change out of at least twice a day, while cooking five course meals to appease everyone and practically getting a third and fourth college education as you read entire libraries just to manage conversation during your five course meal.

Not to mention your wifely duties. It is hard enough to spend one man’s money, but now you have three (or more!) to contend with. There is only so much shopping a woman can do. And think of holidays and special occasions. If you have ever tried shopping for a man, you will know what I mean. They are impossible. Now you have several of them in your life, and you are left with a nagging suspicion that matching wallets just won’t do. You could of course rely on their interests to guide you, but at this point, between the cooking and reading and general shopping, you don’t really think you could keep them straight. Next thing you know you are buying a golf set for the wrong husband.

What about your gifts? What are you going to do with so much jewelry, perfume and candy? Besides, if they all pitch in for the wedding ring, chances are you won’t even be able to lift your hand off the table to eat the chocolate, much less cook all those dinners.

Speaking of chores, just imagine the laundry. As if washing all of it wasn’t difficult enough, you then have to figure out what goes into whose closet. Obviously you will have to start liking men who have the same build and then spend some of their money on identical outfits. They may all have different personalities and interests, but what is appears you are trying to do is make them all into one person. Which I suppose would defeat the purpose. This is why I have never understood polygamy. It just seems like too much trouble.