I don’t read the dictionary for fun, so sometimes I need to be reminded of what things are. Today’s word of the day is “whore.” Please remind me of its meaning, because obviously I don’t know. And I am sure you can do a far better job than Webster. You know, provide the necessary context, give examples and such.

I used to think it was an adjective, but apparently in its noun form it is a method of categorization for women according to a very specific set of rules.  If a woman is found to have been with one man, then she must have been with thirty. Because that is the female nature, specific to the whore. Therefore every man she has ever spoken a kind word to must have at some point ended up in her bed. Maybe they should all get ill constructed emails. Include some more definitions in there while you are at it.

The whore creature, according to you, is very fascinating and fantastic. She can span entire continents within seconds and allegedly exist in multiple locations at once. There must be a shortage of men in the general vicinity as she must fly to Alabama and Tennessee to conduct herself. What’s that? There is a man in Texas? Well then, off she goes! No, no, that man could not possibly just be a friend. This is a whore, and that is what she does.

And her talents are so magnificent she has the capability of converting men who would otherwise be uninterested in women. Keep in mind, this is no ordinary woman. Whores are special beings imbued with myriad forms of exotic alchemy specialized in transforming others’ sexual orientations and preferences.

She is also a rather flighty creature. It doesn’t matter that she has known a man for decades, uninterested in him in the slightest, because one day, out of the blue, her true nature will prevent her from resisting him, with the assumption that there is actually something to resist. What a wily little thing!

“Mommy, look, we found a whore! Can we keep her?”

I also recall you stating that the whore has a natural habitat. You weren’t entirely clear on this, but I have to say, I am curious to learn. All the evenings I spend at my kitchen table have not made me privy to this creature’s environment.

What started as a simple catalog of female traits specific to this being, has now elevated the whore, in scientific terms, to an entire species in its own phylum. And here I am going from learning new dictionary definitions to watching a Special Editions episode of the Discovery channel where I can learn how to spot the ever elusive whore, should I happen upon one.  But whatever I do, I shouldn’t startle her, she will run away and take residence elsewhere. You see, despite all of her amazing abilities the poor thing is a little dim witted – she takes flight only when provoked and is incapable of premeditated actions or genuine thought.

My goodness what a complex critter!

Thank you for the rare opportunity at such a lesson. I can’t believe in all my years of schooling I never encountered a seminar on this topic. Perhaps you can email me again tomorrow and we can discuss the whore’s diet, or really get into it and take a look at her evolutionary history.